|School Shootings Explained 2001-03-09 Erik|
|Next week I'll explain where all the Army Men games come from.|
Korea's top hip-hop MC was arrested, charged, tortured, and
convicted of smoking crank, despite any real evidence against him. His real crime?
-Silence Makes The Beat Go Stronger, Spin Magazine,
Matthew Shepard was crucified on a split-rail fence for the crime
of being gay
-The Democratic Inquisition, Salon, 01/22/2001
We had committed many crimes: the crime of being indigenous, the
crime of being Catholic, and most importantly the crime of being united...
-A People Dammed: The Chixoy Dam, Guatemalan Massacres and
The World Bank, RightsAction.org, 09/18/2000
The common theme? Crime doesn't pay.
Especially, as in the last example, multiple crimes. You'd have to be an idiot to
think you can escape the world wide web of justice that extends from the mysterious,
probably imaginary land of Korea all the way to wherever it was Matthew Shepard was living
where they still crucify people. Mexico, maybe. Which brings me to my point:
teenagers are idiots. Yesterday, that's just how I explained the recent popularity
of school shootings to a reporter from the San Jose Mercury News. Of all places.
She must be writing some sort of awful think piece about popular culture
and how it influences teens to massacre each other. I don't know where she heard
about Old Man Murray or what the Hell she thought I'd be able to add to the investigation.
As long as they continue to act out their murderous impulses primarily on each
other, I couldn't care less, I said. But please do call me again if they start
shooting at adults, I said, then hung up and silently congratulated myself for a job well
Thanks in large part to the Internet troubles, my fiancé and I have
recently decided that we're going to wait to start a family, since it could impact our finances in such a way
that I might have to acquire a part time job. But that's a sacrifice we're willing
to make for the online gaming community. Later yesterday, while I was sitting in the
lobby of the women's clinic that's near all the strip clubs over by the airport, waiting
for her to be done getting her abortion, I couldn't stop thinking about these school
shootings. Though the clinic is inexpensive, the waiting room is filthy and filled
with staff members screaming at each other in Hindi. I guess you get what you pay
for. Still, it's annoying to the point where you can't really concentrate. So
I left to do some thinking and some research, and see if just maybe I could figure out
what's wrong with today's teens.
Before we go on, Chet says I need to make our position very clear, so that
we're covered, legally speaking. We're both enthusiastic supporters of teens
eliminating each through whatever methods they deem necessary, even if it means using extreme
prejudice, but only if "extreme
prejudice" is being employed as a euphemism for violence, because actual prejudice is
uncool. This support, however, is only in general. We're
taking a meta approach. Chet adds that it's even more meta than that - meta-meta, in
fact, and all very hush hush. In other words, specific massacres are not encouraged.
As we stated in our Dreamcast contest disclaimer:
Neither Oldmanmurray nor its agents are responsible
for any murderous plans, schemes, scenarios, blueprints, patterns or any and all synonyms
for these words as yet unlisted in the American Heritage Talking Dictionary that Quake 3
may inspire in the winner, nor any general trend towards the devaluation of human life to
which the grand prize may contribute. Should the winner return to his or her junior
high school after Christmas break and methodically kill every person inside it, it's not
our fault. We blame society. But we understand that you can't sue society for
your idiotic actions. John Carmack has a lot of money. We're just sayin',
that's all. You know who else looks like they have a lot of dough?
Rappers. Maybe you could try suing a couple of them.
My research first led me to this article at
Salon which points out that these mass-murderers tend to be white. This was my first
clue. If I could figure out what separates black teens from white teens, I might be
close to an explanation or even a solution. I don't like either group very much, so
I was able to eliminate that as a possible point of differentiation between black teens
and white teens. However, that still left me with a lot of ground to cover.
I decided to skip the middle man - the worldview I've created based mostly
on listening to the the televsion while playing gameboy. I went to the library to do
some actual research using actual research materials. I started with what is
essentially the bible of white teen culture, Starlog Presents: Sci Fi Teen. Here's a
picture of a recent issue:
Notice anything interesting? They're still putting Yoda on the
cover. Yoda. That's like twenty straight years of Yoda covers. It's an
embarrassment. If I was ten years younger and white, I'd shoot somebody too.
On the other hand, here's the most recent issue of Hype Hair For Black Teens:
Guess what? Not a single mention of Lando Calrissian. Black
teens have evidently showed some fucking spirit and moved on.
So you can draw your own conclusions. Though I wouldn't suggest it,
since I've definitely thought about this more than you have. Star Wars is like a
plague on today's white teen. I know it messed up Rune.
|Advice For Gamers 2001-03-07 Erik|
|A new weekly advice column for gamers. Thanks to R. Dulin for writing most of and then, after some editing, all of today's update.|
If you somehow
find yourself in a conversation with non-gamers or genius adventure gamers that
unexpectedly turns to the topic of books, don't panic! I've spent the last three
weeks carefully crafting the perfect catch-all phrase for when you've gotten in over your
head. In situations such as the one I'm talking about, someone will probably say
something like "I think the general theme of Tran poetry is not philosophy so much as
pride - pride in the discovery or rediscovery of the Vietnamese identity. How do you
feel?" Think for a second then say "The Harry Potter series is primarily
aimed at young adults... but then so is my dick." Female readers should note
that although this observation references your dick, it actually works pretty well for both
men and women.
I want to point out that this is just the kind of useful information
you've come to expect from Old Man Murray and that you can continue to
expect from Old Man Murray in the months and years to come. And we're going to
remain free, just like the all world's copyrighted music and software, especially
Photoshop. We'll go get ourselves some jay-oh-bee jobs before we start begging you
for money. Sure we may try to sell you some worthless crap or rope you into a get
rich quick scheme that may or may not involve helping you cash in your uncollected
judgements, but we promise you won't ever have to see us beg, unless one
of you actually hits one of us and then threatens to do it again. If we attempt to
separate any of you from your precious money, we'll at least respect you enough to assume
that we'll have to trick you with half-truths and false promises. Subscription fee?
Fuuuuuuck... When the time comes, we'll give you an offer that will most
likely double in value, though people can and do lose money. And
that's a promise. And we'll be standing behind it. So enormously behind it, in
fact, that we might be in Canada.
Not that anyone has to worry though, because according to this quote from
the most recent UGO press release, they've secured an extra fourteen million dollars worth
"we are looking to leverage our cash position
to explore potential strategic partners. An ideal partner would enhance our market
position and leverage the Company's core assets,'' said Joe Robinson, Chairman and
Founder, UGO Networks.
Most of you are probably wondering what effect all of this exploration and
leveraging will have on the paradigm. All I can tell you at this point is that the
word on the street is an astounding "wow".
|EriKKK 2001-03-05 Erik|
|This is my new Voodoo-Extreme-esque pun-named informal commentary column in which I recap the weekend's events in books and gaming.|
while taking a break from all my reading to watch a TV show about books, I saw a
commercial that made me realize I'm now indifferent to the sight of people completely
covered in bees. So that's a new thing I'm jaded to. With bee-covered people
eliminated, I'm down to about fifteen things. To give you some indication of how
perilously close I am to rock bottom, none of those fifteen things are from Japan.
There's a book at the library that's filled with photographs of babies
with little angel wings popping out of flowers and floating in what looks like a giant
bowl of milk and reclined on a pumpkin and things like that. I don't know whether
each photo represents a specific dead baby or just dead babies in general, but either way
it's some depraved shit and never fails to make me feel sick and sad and a little scared.
The way people covered with bees used to make me feel. I went to the library
to look at it. It made me feel better.
While I was there, I figured I might as well take something out.
Ahead of me in the long checkout line was a pretty lady with a little girl. There
was strong circumstantial evidence that both of us were book lovers. And it's a
short step from "book lovers" to "lovers". All you have to do is
forget about books, which, frankly, would be okay with me. "What are you
getting?", I asked her. "Tide and Continuities; Last and First Poems by
Peter Viereck", she said, "What book are you getting?"
I held my selection at arm's length, so it was right in front of her face.
"Die Hard 2: Die Harder by Bruce Willis," I said.
Then I retracted my arm so I could read the box. "...I think it's by Bruce
Willis..." When I looked up, she had her head swiveled mostly away from me in a
way that seemed to indicate she was losing interest in our conversation. "It's a book
on tape," I added. "Videotape... These are really convenient for
The conversation was over. A few seconds later, I tried to restart
it by saying "Who is Peter Viereck?" But she ignored me, and I got that
embarrassment panic that you get. I started singing "Who is Peter Viereck" over
and over again and bobbing my head a little so that everyone would think that I wasn't
asking her anything but just singing.
|While I was doing that, I watched the lady's little girl grab
a straw wrapper off the ground, carefully crumple it into ball, and shove it way up her
nose. As far as I saw, it never came out. I didn't mention it to the lady, though.
Maybe Peter Viereck wrote a poem about what to do when your daughter gets a nasal
infection so bad that she gets an abscess on her septum
For the gaming part of today's
update, read Bruce Geryk's awesome critical
comparison of Odium and Shadow Watch at QuarterToThree.
Armed with nothing but words and swear words, even a smart guy like Bruce Geryk
can't make Odium into a decent game. It's a testament to fancy pants everywhere,
though, that he was able to make me consider that it might be slightly less terrible than
it actually is. Briefly. I'm okay again now. And I was high on Nyquil!
And my manmeat, etc.
This was supposed to be a picture of Odium, but it's a scene from the
trailer for the upcoming movie Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles, starring Linda Koslowski
as Sue Charlton. I couldn't care less about Crocodile Dundee, but I'm glad to see
Hollywood's decided to reintroduce the mixed-race street gangs of the 80's.
Recurring OMM character The Battlestar Galactica Font would like to congratulate the
people of India for finally being represented in the world of post-racialized thugs.
"But", he adds, "please stop setting women on fire. Only if we
work together can we change the world. It doesn't take a Battlestar Galactica Font
to know there's no 'I' in Cylon!"
|Notes From The Microsoft Underground 2001-03-01 Erik|
|Everything I've ever said aside, I'm all for ending this plague of irony and cynicism. That said, the phrase "This isn't your Daddy's Microsoft" (as seen in the article we'll be discussing here) should never be employed without first being virtually laminated in cynical ironic sarcasm.|
J. Allard is
the funventor or the head fungineer or the chief fun!ancial officer of the crazy
X-Box team at Microsoft. I don't know exactly what he does. However, thanks to
article from the Seattle Times, I can say for sure that both he and the entire X-box
staff are the gay-hating troublemakers of Redmond, Washington. In his own words
"We're the Eminem of Microsoft." Evidently, life at the Microsoft campus
is fast becoming the classic tale of snobs vs. slobs. Only this time, both
sides are fruity sweater wearing rich people with "personal collection[s] of Warhols,
Lichtensteins and several commissioned ... Mark Kostabi paintings."
Aside from providing these kind of quotes that're only going to get more
unbearably embarrassing as the months and years roll by, the article doesn't offer much
actual information about the system itself. Though it does assure skeptical
consumers that Chief Technology Officer for the World Wrestling Federation, The Rock,
feels that "there's no doubt the Xbox will deliver."
Since Seattle recently experienced an earthquake, which means that any or
all of the fact checkers at the Times may have gotten hit on the head by a falling brick,
I won't berate them for calling Michael Abrash "the creator" of the
"role-playing game Quake". I'm only mentioning it so that I can point out
that they spelled all the words right. Good job!
Automotive liability insurance covers if you kill someone by accident.
A while ago, because I sometimes get distracted towards the end of sentences, I was
under the impression that I'd be covered if I killed someone on purpose. So that's
an example of how mixups can happen if you just miss one or two words.
Another example is in an interview with J. Allard on
the Italian gaming supersite NextGame. When asked what effect the X-Box's hard drive
will have on games, he responds:
Imagine games which have no "loading..."
screens and simply stream data from the drive without having discreet levels...
Imagine games with real interactive music and true-to-life, non-repetitive commentary.
Imagine levels 20x the size of a typical console game.
Presumably, Allard confused "hard drive" - as in "as seen
on the PC" - with the similar-sounding phrase "magical hard drive".
|Serious Scoop 2001-02-21 Chet|
|We can finally afford to update again -my heavy betting on the darkhorse Steely Dan Paid off.|
|Bring OMM's Erik To Work Day 2001-02-13 Erik|
|My new weekly column in which I return after a mysterious three week absence to offer advice to the editorial staff of IGN.|
Hello and I'm
sorry. Hello and I'm sorry to everyone I've let down and to all the people I've yet
to meet and then let down. If it means anything, these last three weeks have brought
me much closer to my ultimate goal of being accepted into the government's elite SSI total
disability program. I've paid taxes for a number of years now, and I think it's high
time I reap some of the benefits of my brief period of productive citizenship back in the
90's. I've always been pretty antsy about going outside, but two and a half weeks
ago my brain manufactured a Todd McFarlane-esque detailed miniature version of this larger
problem by convincing me that I should also be afraid to go upstairs. That left the
kitchen, the bathroom, the coat and broom closet, the bedroom, and the room with the old
TV available for use, but restricted my access to the second floor, which contains my
computer and the big television attached to the Nintendo, the Playstation, and the
Dreamcast. I feel better now. But I'm sorry that I've missed a few updates.
I know that within the game community, I'm viewed as a crusader - of
might and magic but for justice. I realize that I'm often perceived
to be quick to anger, difficult to like, hard to kill, under siege, on deadly ground,
under siege 2, and the glimmer man. It's a responsibility that I take
seriously. So I understand it when hundreds of you send me vile, angry letters every
time I disappear for weeks at a time. However, understanding is not an
excuse. All I can say is that - assuming all of you manage to come to my house and
then also manage to enter one of the parts of my house that's safe to me on that day -
you're all dead, like Bruce Willis during the last ninety minutes of the Sixth
Sense. I didn't mark that as a spoiler because I'm fucking crazy. And if any
of you gets a phone call from the Ohio Disability Determination Services, I'd appreciate
it if you mentioned that fact. Feel free to point out to them the death threats I
often make and don't forget about the frequent and shameless Sixth Sense spoilers.
If you need some prefabricated descriptions of what a deranged murderous nigga I am, you
can get some good ones from rap. Change the words around so it doesn't rhyme,
though. Because that might tip off the DDS caseworker that you're just stealing your
testimony from rap. With the government's finacial help and your continued support
of our benefit claims, we might just make it through this Internet implosion in one piece.
On the other hand, if we updated every day, we might end up having to print
some things like this story about Majestic
on IGN. Everything I know about being a man I've
learned from IGN For Men, which is IGN's version of Celebrity Sleuth, only without all the
nudity. In fact, just before my recent breakdown, one of their editorials convinced
me that I'd sure like to screw that Jennifer Love Hewitt. So I hate to say anything
bad about them. But if I don't, who will? Certainly not me.
is an upcoming game published by Electronic Arts that appears to be a mix of a därk email
client and David Fincher's The Game, sort of an American McGee's Outlook. A few days
ago, there was a public demo of it at a conference called DEMO 2001 in Phoenix. The IGN story's strapline promises lots of
Revealed to a stunned crowed [sic] at
DEMO 2001, Majestic makes a big impression.
The article then proceeds to not mention anything about
the actual demonstration. Nothing. Not one word about what was shown, or any
specific reactions to it. There's a recap of some previously available information
and some enthusiastic quotes by a few people who attended the rumored demonstration but
who also have a financial interest in saying nice things about Majestic - such as EA VP of
production Neil Young. The closest IGN gets to mentioning what happened or what the
game looks like is in this sentence from the first paragraph:
the word on the street is an astounding
With these nine perfectly chosen words, someone at IGN has finally crafted
the ultimate, empty fucking kiss ass preview. Expect to see this string of words a
lot, as it's about to become an enduring OMM catchphrase. Note to the person at IGN
who actually gets paid a salary to worry about these things: I'm not a professional
editor, but "wow" isn't especially astounding. I even opened up Notepad
and typed "wow" in all caps, but that only made the word mildly intriguing, and
that's only because "W" looks sort of like Lara
Croft's tits, which kind of remind me of tits, which reminds me that, thanks to some
compelling arguments on IGN for Men, I'd like to wax Charlize Theron's ass. Maybe
"astounded" would have been a better choice.
Today, I discovered this
account of the Majestic demo on C-Net news:
The team from EA.com had it even worse. As the presenter
began his demo of "Majestic," a suspense thriller that allows people to interact
via chat, e-mail, voice mail, fax and the Web, everything just blew up.
The presenter, an executive vice president named Neil Young (no, not that Neil
Young) was fast on his feet and talked his way around the glitch for a few minutes until
the system could be resuscitated. Then the system blew up again...
Which may explain why the IGN piece contained so little information.
|Health Update 2001-01-15 Erik|
|Thanks to everyone who wrote in.|
was supposed to be "Best White Game Developer", but then Martin Luther King Jr.
Day kind of snuck up on us. We decided the timing might cause people to misconstrue
our motives - we only wanted to point out the achievements of hard-working Caucasian
developers, who have lately been marginalized to
such an extent that they and their Ferraris risk becoming completely disenfranchised.
We've been burned before, such as in 1998 when we founded our well-intentioned but,
in retrospect, genuinely regrettable Negro Developer League. So thanks to that, and
because there was some scandal surrounding the fact that the winner, John Carmack, may be
Jewish, we canned the award entirely.
Instead, I'm going to address the huge number of emails Chet and I
received over the weekend asking if I really did get hit by a car. In answer to
that, I did. On Friday afternoon, a car smacked right into me. Though I was
knocked on my ass, I wasn't otherwise hurt. This incident gives me much more
confidence in my mounting belief that I'm indestructible, like Bruce Willis in whichever
Die Hard movie wasn't the one where it turned out he was dead. The driver was
adamant that she did not mean to hit me and that the car appeared
to have a mind of its own. Those of you maintaining fan sites devoted to my
growing list of potential superpowers should note that this may mean that, along with
being unkillable, I am also magnetic. Or that the car is magnetic and I am, in fact,
made of metal, which would help explain why I'm so indestructible. All I know is
that, as the car hit me and I flew forwards through the air, my only clear thought was,
"Oh my God, SomethingAwful is
Evidently, due to the recent Internet troubles caused by either too many
or not enough people shocking the monkey, Something Awful is going under. Normally,
we're not ones to kick anyone when they're down, because you could still catch your foot
in their crotch and maybe twist your ankle. But the display of mawkish
sentimentality on the SA forums would embarrass the the final very special episode of Full
House. Invincible as I am, to view the goddamn thing even I
had to create a special schmaltz-retardent suit and then invent a computer program to come
up a cool pun name for it - the Bathosphere. Here's a sample I found at the bottom
of one particularly syrupy lake of tears:
I'm sure the group of nine year olds that invented the Internet never
imagined it might some day be co-opted by grown ups. You fucking idiot. I
think I speak for all adults when I say that we're not crazy about you either. If it
wasn't for us, you kids wouldn't have any food much less lucrative careers in kiddie porn.
And if you weren't our larval form, do you think we'd even let you live?
Hell, the most hotly debated issue among adults is whether or not to continue killing you
in utero for our own convenience. Regardless, we here at Old Man
Murray guarantee that when our time comes - and, mind you, that day will arrive - we're
going to go out with a little more dignity and a lot more swearing. And maybe another Dreamcast
contest! So stay tuned!
|I Like Big Rebuts 2000-12-28 Erik|
|Thanks to Epp, L. R. (1998). Why aren't they laughing? The clinical significance of a hypothesized 'humor deficit disorder' among at-risk adolescents: An exploratory study. Dissertation Abstracts International, 59(3-A).|
|In much the same way that I didn't expect Red Storm's Anne McCaffrey's
Freedom: First Resistance to blow up my
monitor, I had no idea Jonah Falcon would
read my rebuttal to
his review of Giants
and respond with a rebuttal
of his own. Normally, I'd permit him to have the last word because he's
obviously a little retarded and isn't responsible for who he hurts with the beam of
concentrated crazy that he can shoot out of his mouth.
Our new racist mascot, Francis The Talking France. Big thanks to cowboys for
the cowboy font.
|Unfortunately for both of us, he decided to question not just
my statements, but my journalistic integrity. And my ethics as
a journalist. As many of you know, the only thing standing between me and
not being a journalist are my journalistic and journalistical credentials. So here
we go again. Jonah's original words are in yellow. My words are in red, white,
If you didn't notice, I did not accuse the
developers of racism, nor did I say it was overt. However, it struck me as disturbing as I
played along that it very much reminded me of The Phantom Menace.
Between your accusing the game of being racist and
then accusing the game of being racist, I must have missed the part where you didn't
accuse the game of being racist. Sorry. I didn't like the Phantom Menace
either, except for the one monster or robot or lightsabre or whatever it was that was just
like a stupid, crazy, sassy black guy like they have on all the shows on the WB.
That cracked me up. I was like, "take that George Washington Carver.
Here's a little message from a galaxy far, far away: just cuz you invented the peanut
don't mean your shit don't stink. Or have peanuts in it, I guess."
Considering I live in New York City, and have a
wealth of diversity around me, I'm more keen on such trends.
The only compulsion stronger than the one that drives people who don't
watch TV to tell you about it every few minutes is the mysterious force that compels
people who live in New York City to mention that as often as possible.
I think it's really pretty admirable, then, that you managed to hold back that
information until the third sentence. Congratulations.
I don't live in New York, so you'd generally be right in assuming that I
don't know much other than what I've learned from Home Improvement, NASCAR races, and the
sort of rudimetary management skills seminar one gets while designing and executing plans
to drag Negroes and homosexuals to death behind my pickup truck. Unfortunately for
you, in an attempt to eventually learn to appreciate Lucas Arts Force
Commander, I've recently started reading a lot of books. In fact, I just
finished the biography Bronson!, and I'm currently working my way through
American novelist Jack Martin's Halloween 2. It's going to be hard,
but I'll try to use what I've learned from my books to combat the undeniably
opinion-validating fact that you live in New York City.
The question remains: WHY must all the light-skinned
characters be on the side of truth, and WHY must all the dark-skinned characters (some of
whom hedge uncomfortably close to stereotypes) by evil? Some have emailed me stating that
that's the way it's been, always has been, and ever shall be. In other words, the good
guys never wear the black hat, which simply is not true. (One only need to refer to Clint
Eastwood to dispute that.)
I think my reaction to this paragraph is best
expressed by this passage from Jack Martin's Halloween 2 in which the reporter character,
Robert Mundy, makes the following statement:
REPEATING FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO JUST TUNED IN.
THREE PEOPLE ARE DEAD TONIGHT AS THE RESULT OF AN ATTACK BY AN ESCAPED MENTAL PATIENT.
I'm not saying that you're an escaped mental patient who is likely to kill
three people, I'm just saying that after reading that insane paragraph, we can no longer
rule it out. In reference to your use of the phrase "ever shall be",
permit me to indulge for a moment in a bit of provincialism and just say this: fag.
What disturbs me about Erik's attack is that he
characterizes me as being "obviously either a lunatic, an idiot, or some fanciful,
Lewis Carroll-esque combination of the two." Furthermore, I never said "Giants
is a clear example of dehumanizing racist propaganda". He ends his comment which
"if Borislav Herak's Bosnian Rape Camp Superchamp is stable and lets you save
anywhere, there's still a good chance Jonah might give it a 4.5." should speak for
I... agree. I guess we agree to agree, then. So that one's a
either a tie or I win.
This is not journalism of any sort. If it is a
"report", he is not going by any facts since he has not contacted me, asked me
any questions, much less offered a rebuttal before reporting.
Well, I think it's clearly journalism of some sort. Instead of
offering you a chance to respond, I simply sent our hateful, time-travelling mascot Marvin
into the future to fetch the rebuttal you ended up writing. I didn't print it
because, frankly, I wanted to save you the embarrassment. No need to thank me,
however, because I'm printing it now.
The fact is, I was noting a disturbing trend that has been echoed
in such games as Soldier of Fortune, which several reviewers bashed for the same aspect -
which is even more overt. I think it bears repeating: I never accused the developers of
racism. I only noted the troubling coincidences which seem to be de rigeur. Additionally,
I wouldn't, say, accuse Peter Molyneaux of racism for Black & White - it's all in the
Fortune Special Report
Soldier of Fortune is a game that recreates the thrill of
murdering people for money, and does it in demented forensic detail. Your troubling
subtext - that some of the people are not white - is kind of overshadowed by the text,
that all of the people you're slaughtering are people. In other words,
although it goes against the secret messages composed by your own tireless, misfiring
synapses, killing everyone you meet is, in fact, as bad as killing just
blacks. It might even be worse. I don't know what side you were planning to be
on when Blade Runner finally happens and the race wars start, but all of us whites got
together and decided it's not going to be ours. So your big mouth got you in some
deep shit now.
I'm sure the entire Lionhead staff is breathing a
big, fruity sigh of relief. I hadn't really read your original review very closely,
so I went back and did that. I carefully reread the part where you didn't say Giants
was anti-black. My reaction this time was the same as it was the first time I
skimmed it: If these Planet Moon guys are smart enough to write a cool game like Giants,
maybe they know something about the blacks that I don't. Hell, I'm not an
anthropologist. For all I know, black people cause cancer. But then I read
further and, for the first time, saw the the part where you, Jonah Falcon, Counsel for The
Offended, uncovered Planet Moon's plot to impugn lesbians. I turned to myself and
was like, they're anti-lesbian? ANTI-LESBIAN?!?
Well, now the racists have gone too far. It just doesn't make any
sense. Who the Hell is anti-Lesbian? As long as you don't count all of the
male characters in the movie Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, lesbians
never hurt anyone. Without lesbians, there'd be virtually no lesbian erotica - just
the foundation on which the entire Internet was built so that it could eventually support
a really heavy load of Tribes 2 screenshots. Jonah, if it wasn't for the fact that
you didn't actually say what you actually said, we'd be in complete agreement!
What's next on these racists' racism list, Adoracubbies? I'm not
kidding. I think it could happen.
My review of three stars was chiefly due to the lack
of a save game, the numerous bugs included, and from the general lack of any real
innovation. I get the impression people are using that paragraph as a way of attempting to
undermine my low score of Giants: Citizen Kabuto. If that paragraph was to be removed, my
review would remain unchanged, regardless.
Permit me to quote the novel I'm reading, Halloween 2, again:
Jill was eyeing the small novelty shrunken head that
someone had left on the counter when the buzzer went off.
This really captures the moment in which I was eyeing my own foot instead
of reading that paragraph you wrote. I have no idea what you said, but I'll bet it
was either crazy, stupid, or tended to otherwise support my side of the war.
If it's so troubling for people to read, then I'll
ease their eyes, but, to quote the wise man, closing your eyes when you don't want to see
is not always the wise choice.
I'd like to quote another wise man:
But, really, where was the dividing line between
ritual and reality, between costumed playacting and genuine monsters? Was the
difference only in how seriously one played the game? His wailing certainly seems
genuine enough. Who's to say it isn't true? Do I know what he has seen? Does anyone?
It's real to him. We should all be so easily convinced. Perhaps it would increase
our potential for survival.
That wise man's name? Dr. Sam Loomis from
Halloween 2. Thank you, good night, God bless, and I win.
For further reading, visit the official Daniel Johnston website.
|Giants, As It Refers To Lips 2000-12-22 Erik|
|Thanks to Raskin, V. (1985). Semantic analysis of humor. Boston, MA: Reidel.|
|In my ongoing quest to read
everything ever written about my new favorite game Giants - a product that, while it does
have a few bugs, hasn't caused any part of my computer to actually literally physically explode - I ran
across this review at Gamepen, a site for which I have no snide comment
because I don't know anything about it other than the fact that its name sounds a little
like "gaypen", a fact that could potentially be used against it if you
absolutely couldn't think of anything else, and, hey, what an epic journey this sentence
has been - welcome to the end of it. |
The review, by Jonah Falcon, contains the following
Another problem is more disturbing and insidious. All of
the heroes (the Meccryns, Smarties, and Delphi) are light colored, while all of the
villians have dark skin (Sappho, the Reapers). As if that subtle whiff of racism
isn't enough, why is the evil queen named Sappho to begin with? If it was a reference, I
don't see what the character had in common with an ancient Greek poetess. If the
developers equate sapphic with evil, that's a whole other can of worms to add to the bugs.
(Vocabulary time: sapphic is a synonym for lesbian). Even if this all was
coincidental, it still creates a nasty little subliminal message.
I could try to defend Giants by using sanity to prove that it isn't the Mein Kampf of
third person shooters, or simply thank Jonah for explicitly pointing out that Giants'
blatant racism is "more disturbing and insidious" than its lack of an in-mission
save, but what would be the point? Jonah Falcon is obviously either a lunatic, an
idiot, or some fanciful, Lewis Carroll-esque
combination of the two.
Plus, the review itself contains something even more disturbing and insidious than
simple, garden of eggplants variety racism. From reading the review, here's
what we know about Jonah other than the fact that he's koo koo:
- He is bravely, strongly against racism, including - presumably - racism based solely on
the color of your lesbianism.
- Giants is a clear example of dehumanizing racist propaganda.
But it still gets 3 out of 5 stars! And that's
after he's already complained bitterly about the repetitive gameplay, the crash bugs, and
the various annoying ways in which Giants is not more like Tribes 2. So taking those
non-trivial complaints into account, the fact that Giants espouses a dangerous ideology
that Jonah Falcon finds morally repugnant ultimately only costs it one half of one
star. In other words, if Borislav Herak's Bosnian Rape Camp
Superchamp is stable and lets you save anywhere, there's still a good chance
Jonah might give it a 4.5
|American McGee Genius Watch 2000-12-15 Erik|
|Today's forecast: Partly cloudy with a 100% chance that American McGee is a genius! Dispatches from the frontiers of describing American McGee's brilliance.|
|Well Rounded Entertainment:
giant rotating gear
|Calling Alice anything short of a work of art would
be an injustice... Meanwhile, subtle effects (like the fact that you'll never find a
perfectly straight doorway) add to the air of insanity... Wonderland is a
psychotically haunting place that floods your imagination... McGee and Rogue have
started to tread a new path - and in the process have uncovered a Wonderland of their own.
And, as gamers, we're damn lucky to be traveling along with them... [McGee] prefers
reading a good book when he gets home.
I am truly bothered. I have seen some frightful images in my day,
but none as truly bizarre as the ones conjured up by American McGee in his latest release,
"American McGee's Alice"... McGee's attempt at capturing the horror of
this world is almost incomprehensible. [meant as highest possible
compliment - ed]
American McGee's Alice also offers something for those who ache
for a little philosophy to go with their carnage. Alice doesn't completely disregard the
intellectual side of things, opting to add some deeper meaning to Alice's struggle against
the denizens of the malformed Wonderland.
|To break up the strategy of jumping,
there are some true puzzles in the game such as one where you have to figure out how to
open a series of doors... Playing Alice is like playing in the mind of a lunatic and
a genius: I wonder what American McGee is like?
Alice kehrt zurück ins Wunderland, doch statt einer
fröhlich-bunten Märchenwelt erwartet sie ein düsterer und bizarrer Alptraum, denn
nichts ist dort mehr, wie es einmal war. [American
McGee is a twisted genius. We are still scraping our jaws from the floor, blood runs
from our eyes. We will make war against the Jews. Alice is a psychotic Walt
Disney movie... On Acid!!! 'Nuff Said!!! -ed]
This week FutureLooks reviews the Picasso-esque Alice...[actual meaning unknown, sounds smart -ed] This image is forever shattered with amazing results in the
paradigm shift of American McGees Alice... If youve never experienced
nightmares before, you will after this game... Daring and refreshing, enough said.
the Alice universe is so finely and professionally crafted, it
doesn't just mask what is essentially generic gameplay
it makes it completely
irrelevant. [ellipses theirs - ed]
[Alice is an] example of what a great conceptual imagination can
bring to a mainstream gaming genre.
Video Gamer Guy:
And so begins the great storyline of American McGee's Alice...
You truly never know what's going to happen because the world is literally crazy...
the most crazy and demented world ever created in a video game
|What follows is my venture into the last major
computer game of 2000, and why I will never be the same... I'm a hardened moviegoer
with enough DVDs to make some cry. This intro chilled me though. I've watched it several
times now and it hasn't worn off onto me yet. Give this movie an Emmy [sic] for direction and concept...
Once you start playing, the graphics sweep you off to Wonderland and it's surrealistic
milieu until you beg it to stop, but you don't, you keep going and going and going... Oh
god. Oh GOD.
Addendum: Dr. Derek Smart Genius Watch
"I am very crative and have a lot of ideas"
-Dr. Smart in an interview on GA Sim