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Bi-Weekly Roundup 2000-12-06 Erik
A roughly every two week recap of the last fourteen days in gaming.   Thanks to Andrew and Scum Bunny.
Two weeks ago today I was playing a pre-release version of Carmageddon 3.  For those of you unfamiliar with the series, it's like the Sims only instead of helping little computer people decorate their apartments, you run them over with a truck.  About ten minutes into it, I yawned.   I only planned to execute a regular yawn, but to my surprise it turned into one of those open mouthed, full bodied, eye-fluttering sighs that anyone who's played the lead role in a movie or play about Caligula will recognize as a good way to express how jaded you've become about everything.  That's when it hit me:  I live in the future, I own the most powerful electronic brain money could buy nine months ago, I'm using it to accurately simulate a murderous rampage, and I'm still bored.  I realized that I needed a break from games. 

I've discovered that a good antidote for this feeling is to turn off the computer and either get some excercise or place a few jew-baiting crank calls to NPR.  I did almost an entire sit up before I lay back down, grabbed the phone cord, pulled the handset across the floor and onto my chest, and dialed the Diane Rehm show.  I planned to say something like "Hi Diane.  Love your show.  Here's a thought: The Holocaust - Never Again or Never Happened in the First Place?  I'll just hang up and listen to your guests respond to this."  Instead, there was a pretty crazy NPR mixup, and I was offered a job at the Brookings Institution, a public policy think tank, which I immediately accepted.  I was like "see ya, Chet. I got a job at a think tank," and he was like "Whatever, man.  Don't let the door hit your giant brain on its ass on your way out." As I was leaving, I fished Rune out of the trash so that I could toss it back in as sort of a dramatic goodbye to gaming. 

The Brookings Institution lady put me at a desk and gave me some vague instructions about researching a new framework for relations between America and China.  At the staff meeting seven days later, everyone sat in a semi-circle and presented their policy briefs to the group.  Mine was called "When the Chinese go 'Ching Chong Bing Bong' they're trying to talk!"  This is the point where I'd normally say "to make a long story short" and condense the events that followed.   But the preceding sentence has actually made this account longer than what actually happened, because before I even got all the way to the exclamation point, the Brookings Institution lady said "You're fired," and that was that.

So I'm back.  A lot has happened over the last two weeks.  Of course the biggest news is Jaleco's release of its long-awaited Beer Party controller.  The entire page is in Japanese, so I don't know what the game is about and I'm not even sure what passes for a beer party in Japan.  But if I had to guess, I'd say you capture schoolgirls, bind them to potty chairs, then spray beer up their asses until their stomachs burst.

While I was gone, Gamecenter interviewed Simon Jeffrey, the president of LucasArts.  They asked him why Force Commander sucked so much.  Here's his response:

Artist's conception of Simon Jeffrey

Force Commander had quite a checkered and interesting history. I think that ourselves, along with a couple of other publishers, found out that the real-time strategy market wasn't quite ready for the jump to 3D. We made a bet, a gamble, that the real-time strategy market was looking to evolve beyond the Command & Conquer or StarCraft-style of gameplay and go into the 3D world. I think that we came up against a bit of a technology
hurdle, and we realized that it was hard to implement something that is real-time and strategy in a 3D environment, because there isn't the same kind of direction. [Two-dimensional] real-time strategy games almost always are linear in their gameplay, and that may sound trite, but in some ways I think that was what part of the problem was. And we've seen other 3D real-time strategy games that have suffered from the same problem; when people are in a 3D world, they don't know what to do--they aren't so directed--and their strategic thinking is more muddled and more confused.

trekbuttheadsmall.jpg (2260 bytes)What he's essentially saying is that someday evolution will produce a race of real-time strategy gamers whose jumbo, vein-throbbing butt heads will permit them to finally appreciate the genius of Force Commander.  You hold on to that dream, Simon Jeffrey.  You too, George Lucas.   And while I'm thinking about it, fuck you Ron Howard.

Is there anyone currently alive who's smart enough to comprehend Force Commander?   As Chet pointed out while I was away working for the Brookings Institution, Game God of tomorrow and self-proclaimed super genius of today, Relic's Alex Garden, just might be.  How smart is he?  In his own words:

I only recently got a TV, I haven’t watched TV for about three years and I read a lot of books

People who don't watch TV love to mention it and never fail to pair that statement with the fact  that they read books too.   But as long as they're patting themselves on the back for simply not doing something, it seems to me that there are lots of worse things you could be taking credit for not doing.  For instance, next time someone decides to lord over you the fact that he doesn't watch TV, go ahead and tell him "Good for you!"  Then while everyone around you is reflecting on his massive intellect, up the awful-things-you-don't-do ante by mentioning that you don't rape people and then add that you watch lots of television instead.  Not only does that make you a better person - after all what kind of psychotic jerkoff wastes his time not watching TV when he could be busy not commiting violent sex crimes? - but it gives you sort of an air of barely suppressed operatic rage, which makes you more like Batman.

Still, it pains me that all of us may be missing the pleasure we could be getting from Force Commander simply because we're too stupid.  So just in case there's something to this reading makes you smarter business, I'm going to start an official OMM reading club.  Every week, we'll read a book, then discuss it in the Tetris forum.  This week's assignment is Charles Bronson Superstar.

Next week:


Designer Gut Match 2000-11-26 Staff
Subtitle TBD.

Paul Steed to world's pies:  I love you.
Gut Match

If there's one thing better than sexy pictures, it's sexy picture games.  Daily Radar recently hosted a contest in which readers were asked to match a notable woman's head with her breasts.  It was fun, and it was erotic.  But other than being somewhat derivative of the Daikatana strategy guide, it didn't have much to do with games.  I mean besides the fact that it was a game.   We decided to take Daily Radar's idea and make it our own by stealing it, smooshing a picture of Paul Steed's pie-filled torso on top of it, and replacing the hot chicks with game designers.  Since men's conservative fashions rarely show much boob, we couldn't find any pictures of John Carmack's tits and were forced to rethink the puzzle solving aspect of the contest.  You're now matching the industry's hottest designers to their distinctive stomachs.  Is it still sexy?   Unless you're not turned on by the randiest organ in the sensual art of converting snickers bars into feces, the answer is yes.

A) x5.jpg (2518 bytes)
John Carmack
B)y5.jpg (2917 bytes) x1.jpg (1622 bytes)
George Broussard
C)y4.jpg (3471 bytes) x3.jpg (2465 bytes)
Cliff Bleszinski
D)abscontestx1.jpg (5099 bytes) x2.jpg (1511 bytes)
Richard Garriot
E)y2.jpg (3399 bytes) x4.jpg (2563 bytes)
Jason Hall

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Secret Of Game Development Revealed! 2000-11-16 Chet
I Found this interview on Big Kid while I was slumming it in the Australian ghetto of the Internet.
First off I want to discount this whole interview.  The interviewer starts right off by posting an outright falsehoods.  When talking about the PCGamer Future Gods of Gaming, he describes Stevie Case as "a certain female level designer and Playboy playmate"  This is incorrect.   Stevie is not a Playboy Playmate.  Trust me I know.  That would be like calling the girls pictured in the 1-900 ads in the back playmates, they aren't.  When I masturbate to online pictures of Stevie (none appear in the magazine Playboy), I do not use my normal playmate inner dialogue.  It would normally go something like this, "Oh yeah, take that you dirty little bunny - I am going to give you a little white tail..."  With Stevie my inner voice normally goes like this, "Oh yeah!  Take that you little sector 17 slut - I am going to make a multiplayer map out of your ass baby..."  Do you see the difference?   She is a game designer - not a playboy playmate. (We tried and tried to explain to Chet that woman pose naked in magazines for other purposes than masturbation - such as medical illustration and to help fathers explain the bird and bees to their sons - but Chet never believes us.  - Ed)

Now to the interview with Alex from Relic.  Alex lets us know about his shortcomings early on in the interview:

there’s two types of people in the world, there’s innovators and there’s everybody else. Ok? The innovators don’t need to put things in a box in order to understand them, but everybody else does. And that doesn’t make everybody else bad, it just means that... Example: in Seoul, they don’t call them RTS games, they call them some bizarre...thing, right?

Alex is 100% correct. Korea is a country of innovators.  While in the USA if someone said something as stupid as the above we might say, "Excuse me?" in disbelief.  Not in Korea - home of the innovators - they say "shilyehamnida".   No wonder that apple pie you are eating was made in Korea!

Sadly Alex and the rest of the Relic team is not Korean so we can't expect much in the way of innovation from them.  When asked how a bunch of talentless non-innovators came up with a decent concept for a game, Alex replied:

...one day Erin Daily who is our lead designer came up to me and said Do you know that we’re making an RTS game? and I said Really? and he said Yeah! No dude, check it out we’ve got this this this this... I’m like Holy shit, you’re right! He’s like ...we better copy Starcraft I’m like Yeah! so we just ripped off Starcraft completely as much as we could.

So what is new for Homeworld 2?  Alex isn't sure.  With the Korean developers Blizzard stating it won't release a StarCraft 2,  Alex has been forced to start looking around at other Korean developers for "inspiration".  Who knows what will be next from Relic?  Maybe a fantasy RTS?
*We have a question mark by the Curtis Picture.  I couldn't find a picture of a bald guy in the Relic bios - but they did have a pic of a guy's dog - I guessed the bald guy would put up a pic of of his dog.

Mails 2000-11-03 Erik
AYIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIE,  WE GOT MAILS! Thanks to the entire continent of South America for that awesome impression of mexican banditos excited about getting mail. This is part one of a new weekly feature in which we respond to reader complaints by thinking up different ways to call the author a fag.
We get a lot of hate mail.   If you stacked the photons that stream off of my monitor from all the electronic hate mail we receive end to end, quantum tunneling would occur - assuming the first link listed when I typed "photons" and "stacked" into google is a) correct and b) still correct if you just skim it looking for scientific-sounding phrases.  Regardless, I think I have Attention Deficit Disorder because even though I crave attention, I don't get nearly enough of it.  Hate mail helps with that, so I don't mind it.  Usually. 

Yesterday, I received some belated hate mail from TV's Gerry Allen regarding our not-so-recent expose on adventure games.  By "TV's" I don't mean to imply that Gerry has ever been on TV or that his super-smart adventure gaming vibrating pussy has probably ever watched TV, but only that he reminds me of a show I saw on HBO2 about gays.  Here's his letter:

From: "Allen, Gerry" Gerry.Allen@pfizer.com
To: "'feedback@oldmanmurray.com'" feedback@oldmanmurray.com
Subject: Adventures, Killed Fresh
Date sent: Thu, 2 Nov 2000 13:50:39 -0500

Gentlemen --

I don't often stop by your stable, due to the overwhelming stench, but Chet wasn't around. I sat stupefied as I read your article about dead adventures. The example of the Mosley masquerade shows how truly without a sense of humor you are. You haven't the wit to recognize Jensen's tongue poking through her cheek. Oh well, satire closes on Saturday. Since you couldn't recognize a trend with binoculars and a guidebook, let me flip you a few facts. Adventures were always about story. Oh sure, there were puzzles and occasional blood, but story was king. In text adventures, story was aided by imagination, like reading a book. Then came graphics. Graphics replaced imagination and fragging replaced story. Adventures tried to add graphics; remember FMV? But only where story ruled did graphics aid adventures. The usual suspects may be trotted out here: Maniac Mansion, any Monkey Island, KQs and the apex of Grim Fandango. I should note that story has returned. Planescape: Torment comes to mind. The Longest Journey, too, though I didn't like the story but what do I know? And that adventures aren't dead. More of a niche market, like wargame simulations and Web-based gaming "portals".   You guys wouldn't know the truth if it came up to you and asked you to dance. The important thing about the Gamecenter article (and several others in the same vein) is that it represents the aging of the editors of these rags. Nostalgia always has gray at the temples. New blood will see action games as the bogey shortening attention spans across the planet and who-knows-what games the consequence.

Clear ether,

Gerry M. Allen

"Clear ether"?  Way to be a fag there, Gerry.  I really hope you don't actually talk like you write.  Don't get me wrong, I honestly hate you, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone other than Roberta Williams.  The experience of seeing you string words togther is the literary equivalent of watching Liberace get dressed - it's kind of gay to begin with, and then, against all odds, it just keeps getting gayer. True, I haven't the wit to recognize her tongue, but permit me to gently remove Jane Jensen's cock from where it's planted firmly in your ass to make room for my foot.   Do I remember FMV?  I have no clue what the 'MV' stands for, but I have a pretty good idea about the 'F'. Look, let me flip you a few facts: I don't care if you like adventure games.  Seriously, knock yourself out - with amyl-nitrate.  What you people do is no concern of mine.  So don't email me all the lurid details.  It's gross.  I like to pick my nose, but I don't send you fucking mail about it.

I sent Gerry a transcript of my new Gerry M. Allen Email Adventure:

You have mail.
You see a fag.

He responded:

I won't bother copying your fellow miscreants. [I cc'd the PoE staff on it - ed] You do it so well. But it does seem to be the only thing you do well. Besides, being pathetic, I mean.

Did you just call me a miscreant? The two years I spent married to Jim J. Bullock were less gay than that.  Here, I'll save us both some precious being-an-insufferable-fruit time and compose a response to this news update for you: "Why I never, you tin monstrosity, you bumbling booby."   And here's my response to that: "Did you just call me a tin monstrosity?  Jesus, you're a fag." 

Also, did you call me pathetic?  I can only assume you were thinking about you, because I run a snotty website about video games.

Annoyances 2000-10-20 Chet
Thanks to my pal Steve for all his support.
Sorry about the lack of updates this week.  I spent the last five days in the hospital.  I finally earned enough from the banner ads to buy some plastic surgery I've had my eye on.  In what I hope will become the male equivalent of breast enlargement and start a movement towards redefining standards of male beauty, I had my scrotum augmented.  Augmented is a clinical euphemism for "made incredibly huge".  Picture Andre The Giant's head if it was skull-less, filled with fluid, had two coconuts floating around in it and was almost completely covered with manly surgery scars and you're about halfway in the journey of imagination whose endpoint is my enormous new scrotum.  Now I just need to legally change my name to something more appropriate to my enlarged, re-packaged testis.  I tested a few different male variations of "Mellonie Mounds" but eventually settled on "Dr. Oliver Sacks".  Not only does it allude to my most remarkable new feature, it might make women think I'm a doctor, which I know they like.  Eat your heart out, Stevie Case.  It'll probably be easier if you rip it out through your back.

This morning, I sat down on my new office chair - made from one of those potty seats designed for toddlers but modified for the human form factor of today's surgically-enhanced giant-scrotumed sexy web professional - and attempted to sift through the week's gaming news.  Maybe I'm extra cranky because my inner thighs and the sides of my scrotum are chaffed and sore, but everything that happened this week is bad. 

I downloaded the Blair Witch Project 2 demo.  I could have sworn Blair Witch Project 1 came out just last week, so I figured this was an inevitable Blair Witch game parody.  This theory was reinforced when I discovered that the game utilizes the Nocturne engine, which is kind of a parody of a decent 3D rendering system.  I never figured out whether BWP2 is supposed to be funny.  Upon starting the install program, I received this message:  

To quote me, "What kind of crazy bullshit is this?"  In order to run the install program, I have to reboot my computer?  It turns out Blair Witch 2 has a game within a game - sort of like Major Havoc contained a complete version of Breakout.  While the computer reboots, your video card gets a chance to run and hide from the installer.  In case you're wondering who won Blair Witch 2 Installer Virtua Hide and Seek, it was both of my resourceful video cards.   For all I know, if  I hadn't deleted the entire mess, it'd still be looking for them.  The game runs in software, but if that idea appealed to me, I imagine I'd be too busy churning my own butter to play Blair Witch anyway. 

I'm taking Darvoset and that explains why I ended up at Computer Games Online reading a Mech Warrior 4 preview.  It's actually less of a preview and more of an x-ray of lead designer David McCoy's head.  I think this black lump is his deep sense of inadequacy:

"BattleTech is very much about a sense of power. You not only have an important role, but you have something important to do. A lot of us don't feel important, like the universe doesn't really grant me an opportunity to exercise my 'special-ness', if you will."

Dave, you might consider purchasing a humongous scrotum.  It worked for me.   The preview also contains this analysis of the game's appeal from Battletech inventor Jordan Weisman:

"It's characters' lusts and passions and conflicts. Like any soap opera, that's what brings you in."

Topping the Jordan Weisman Mech Warrior Appeal List at #2?  Giant Robot Combat.   Maybe.  With Jordan and David at the helm, MW4 has a 50/50 chance of being about dressing up like a girl then killing yourself.

Speaking of that, Lowtax thanked us on his Stile Project for people who can read, Something Awful.  By us, I of course mean Chet.

Obviously, I had nothing to do with that.   "Ever gracious and considerate Chet"?  It's as if I woke up from my surgery to a bizarre alternate reality.  I know a lot of people think Chet and I are the same person - though, I hope to God, nobody who reads Planet Crap - but this is a real fucking slap to either of my tender re-manufactured enormous testicles.  It still stings that Francis the Talking France never inflamed the imaginations of readers the way that JeffK has.  But this bothers me even more.  I've decided to introduce a new character that an arbitrary sequence of button pressing on my calculator watch proves will be more popular than JeffK.   Brace yourselves for sixteen year old Jason Ferrell, the kid you love to hate who really likes the Jeffersons!  Here he is talking about the Nocturne engine:

Eat that, Lowtax.  My nuts hurt and I don't feel very sexy.

Adventure Gamers Continue to Amaze, Confuse 2000-10-12 Chet
Thanks to eric for pointing this out.
We like publicity.  Good, bad, all we ask is that you spell our name right.  In fact, after seeing the mention we received on Christianity Today (at right), we've officially lowered our standards and now demand only that you spell the link right.  We'd also like to correct the misconception that we're not a Christian website.  We are.  Just because we're not a very good Christian website doesn't mean we're not trying.  It seems a little un-Christian for mega-inspirational Christian supersite Christianity Today to fucking lord that fact over us.  It must be nice to have both a mandate from Christ and a gigantic staff of well-paid Christian proofreaders and wage-slave Hindu fact-checkers to edit out all the swear words. 

Even though the Christianity Today piece contains some factual errors and a few cheap shots at our piety, we appreciate it.  Not only because it brings us one step closer to the Holy Grail of Christian websites - a link in the Online Bible - but because it drives traffic to the site.  It's not even worth pointing out that the reason Old Man Murray exists is to attract readers.  

Leave it to adventure gamers, then, to once again turn logic inside out in much the same way that fish creatures turned people inside out in the 1979 classic of turning things inside out cinema, Screamers.  Just like they don't want any television programs to visit the area in front of their eyeballs and aren't afraid to mention it every few sentences, genius adventure gamers such as   the ones that staff Just Adventure now don't want you to visit their site.  And they don't want anyone to advertise their site for free.  Adventure gamers really do confuse me and Erik.  Never mind the stupid posts in our forums or the even more inane posts in their own forums, this new twist beats all of that.  They create content, and then demand that no one looks at it.  Just Adventure posted this walkthru for Blair Witch Volume 1.  Seems like it might attract a lot of new visitors if people knew about it and if we lived in a magical world where Blair Witch Volume 1 was really popular.  But if you go here and read it, you'll notice an odd disclaimer at the top.

This walkthrough is the property of Just Adventure and may not be reprinted, linked to, or copied in any manner without the express permission of Just Adventure.

This may just be the superior intellect of adventure gamers talking, but they don't want us to link to it?   I don't get it.   Please, Just Adventure, let us link to your Blair Witch Walkthru.   Please!  We just want to link to it.  We're smart and sophisticated enough. Maybe Erik will use some more French words if you let us link to it.  [Do you know what the french word for pussy is?  "Chat".  Kind of makes you think, eh Chet? - ed.]

NHL Boo-Thousand And One! 2000-10-11 Erik
Thanks to God for creating puns before getting around to inventing a cure for cancer. N-H-Hell 2001!
A few days ago, I downloaded Cryo's Devil Inside demo.  I was expecting a jackhammer blow to the survival horror receptors in my brain.  Instead, the game turned out to be a bizarre amalgam of Resident Evil and Smash TV - bizarre because it's not nearly as good as that description makes it sound.   "NHL 2001 is scarier than this," I told Chet.  I've been playing a lot of NHL 2001 lately.  Chet just shrugged because he was busy trying to figure out whether the office's prevailing carton of milk had turned.  He asked me to smell it.   "NHL 2001 pretty boy Michael Peca is less spoiled than this milk," I told him. 

A little later, I was trying to get Chet to pay attention while I ran and re-ran a movie I'd made with NHL 2001 that starred me as the Pittsburgh Penguins.   The replay showed us putting a wicked back-check on Buffalo Sabres massive fancy pants Michael Peca.  Around the sixth time I'd showed Chet the film, right before the part where Peca hits the ice face-first and I use a girly voice I can do to mimic Peca screaming "Oh dear god my beautiful teeth!",  I noticed something:

Look in the bottom left corner, do you see the portrait of Michael Peca to which I've taken the liberty of adding the fake beauty mark I'm sure he wishes the National Hockey League would let him wear?  That's not what I noticed.  Aim your eyes up about an inch to where the yellow arrow is pointing.  Notice anything terrifying here?   NHL 2001 is the first iteration of the series to include coaches, but that sure doesn't look like Ivan Hlinka.  Just to make sure I wasn't imagining things, I zoomed the camera in on the bench:

Sweet mother of Miguel of Fat Chicks In Party Hats, it's Michael Myers.  Run French-Canadian Penguins goalie Jean-Sebastien Aubin!  Here's our new Survival Horror mascot, former Adventure Gaming mascot Francis the Talking France wearing a neckerchief made out French Guiana:

Advice For Gamers 2000-10-10 Erik
Thanks to my own personal problems for today's update.
Instead of just swearing all the time, I want to offer some advice to our many young readers who have live-in girlfriends or wives.  Here's something I learned just today:  If your lady friend is already not happy about the fact that she has to go to her shitty job while you get to stay home and play Heroes of Might and Magic, don't point this fact out to her when she asks you what you're going to do today.  Women have a way of sarcastically calling you "Hero of Might and Magic" that not only strips the words of all their mighty magical heroism but actually makes the phrase surprisingly emasculating.   Try to remember to never mention the game "Wing Commander" to her either, because after calling you "Hero of Might and Magic" she might dredge that phrase up from the place where she stores facts she eventually wants to employ against you, and use it to punctuate a question about when you're going to do the laundry.  Again, trust me when I say that - coming out of her mouth and applied to you - the name "Wing Commander" is going to seem much less cool than it used to.  If she says something like "Why do I have to do everything?  Why do I have to be the superintendent of the relationship?" don't answer "Why do I have to be the super-NIN-tendent?"   If you do accidently say this, and she asks you what the hell you're talking about, pretend you said "superintendent" again or just start immediately washing some dishes.  Don't, don't, don'tdon'tdon't remind her that you're the one who has to take care of the Super Nintendo.  I used Excel to make a chart that compares how clever you think that is to how clever she'll think it is:

The graph clearly shows that while I thought "super-nin-tendent" was about 1000 on the clever scale, she was hovering down there around zero.  I tried to make the chart go to less than zero to more accurately reflect the results of the experiment, but I couldn't figure out how.

Mandatory Verant Interactive Story 2000-10-06 Staff
This is dedicated to whoever the first person was to not only fantasize about Mario fucking Luigi, not only actually write these fantasies down, but proudly publish the entire thing on the Internet where I might accidently find it while looking for naked pictures of Mario Lemieux.
Marvin and I were watching Red Dawn the other night.  I'd never seen it before, but about halfway through I had a pretty terrifying insight.  I paused the tape and turned to Marvin.  "You know," I said, "this could happen here!"

"This is happening here, you idiot," he told me and grabbed the remote back.  I guess I missed the scene in Red Dawn where they explain that.  Still, just because it was happening here doesn't mean it couldn't happen here.  Just yesterday, in fact, the virtua Chairman Maos over at Verant Interactive ordered their fascist thought police to ban an Everquest customer simply for role playing too hard.

And by "thought police" I mean the friendly "serve and protect" type of thought police, not the kind who'll shove an Orwellian nightstick up your brain's thought-hole, because it turns out that Verant Interactive actually banned the person for writing fan fiction.  Like the lovable buck-toothed moon-faced little virtua Chairman Maos over at Verant, we have a zero tolerance fan fiction policy.   Fan fiction is quite simply an embarrassment to anyone who's ever liked anything.  We applaud the Everquest staff for taking such a bold stance against it. 

To put this in Red Dawn terms:  If Russians parachuted into my backyard, I'd be the guy waving around my ornate nickel-plated derringer and screaming "You can have America when you pry it out from under me and Patrick Swayze's cold, dead feet!"   But if they explained that they were only here to exterminate the authors of fan fiction, I'd be like "Here, you can borrow my pistol and if you need someone to help hang drywall for your forced labor camps, I'm also available for that."

I know that a few of you will email me this classic bit of Nazi horror wisdom:

First they came for the authors of fan fiction, and I did not speak.
They came for the Jews, and I did not speak.
Then they came for the homosexuals, and I did not speak. 
Finally, they came for me, and there was no one left to speak.

But the way we see it, we can safely sit out this round, jump in when Verant comes after the Jews, and still have plenty of time to save ourselves.  So that's what we're going to do.  Good hunting, Verant!  You can thank us by doing something about this page of Manimal fan fiction.

Religious Games Turn Crowd Violent 2000-10-04 Chet
We all knew that with the release of Catechumen, religious violence would soon follow.

Witnesses said a man wearing a Gore T-shirt turned from an argument between supporters of Gore and Nader, grabbed a 3-foot wooden cross from a man holding it and broke it over the man’s head.    msnbc

What does he love?

I asked the new pope about the violence and he answered me with this:
A man with one watch knows what time it is,
A man with two is never sure.
The riddle of a man with two hats is beyond you my son.

When was the last time you heard about a guy in a T-shirt cracking another guy in the head with a 3-foot wooden cross?  We checked and we think the results say never.

Sure, there has been violence previously with a cross. There was the whole Jesus being nailed to it - but that was a giant 12-foot tall cross. This incident involved one of the new breeds of crosses - the kind of small crosses thugs like to pack. They keep them concealed until trouble starts - and then wham! Arguments that used to be settled with fists or spitting are now being solved by violent cross swinging.

So why the increase in "Guys in T-shirts cracking other guys in the head with 3-foot wooden crosses" crimes?  Is it the easy access to 3-foot wooden crosses?   That's the simple answer.  Better yet, why not blame this young man's parents for not locking up the cross?  What about the cross makers themselves?  Shouldn't this man have learned in school that cracking another guy in the head with a 3-foot wooden cross while wearing a T-shirt is bad?

The tougher questions come into play when we, as consumers, look at ourselves.  What kind of example are we setting when we buy mildly violent religious based video games?  What are we telling the kids?  Until the release of Catechumen there had never been one single reported case of a guy in a T-shirt cracking another guy in the head with a 3-foot wooden cross. 

We missed our chance to cut the whole gun violence thing off early, lets not miss our opportunity here.  Write to your congressmen today and demand that they pass legislation that puts an end to these violent cross related crimes!  We must ban mildly violent religious video games.   The children are our future; we must save the children!

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