|Just in the nick of time, we received what we think is an official
response to our Drakan Week Mission Statement from a
representative of heavyweight European game developer Psygnosis. Upon first reading
it, we found no offer of a monetary settlement, only derision. We read it again
looking for any subtly disguised cash proposals and discovered only more subtly disguised
derision. As seems to be the wish of the letter's author, Surreal's Tom Vykruta,
we've reproduced it here unedited in yellow. Our
comments appear in white.
I just finished reading http://www.oldmanmurray.com/drakan_ms.wcs
nicely managed to turn a blatant attack on Psygnosis into a Drakan hate article. The irony
oozes out like diarrhea from a recently constipated rhino. Does your feeble one-tracked
mind not realize that a publisher its games have almost nothing in common? Quotes such as
"Euro-developer Psygnosis, creators or developers of such ingenious get-rich quick
schemes as the Spice Girls game and More Lemmings" puzzle me.
But not half as puzzling as "More Lemmings Again" is what
I'm reading here, eh Tom? Can you marketing guys stop plugging for even one second?
Pygnosis is not a developer. Psygnosis is a publisher. The letter
was written by Psygnosis in San Francisco. Last time I checked, San Francisco was not in
the 'Euro'pe, but infact on a whole other continent.
We checked again, and San Francisco is indeed in Europe. Point to us!
The first paragraph mentioning psygnosis has already totally
discredited your whole article.. but being the real developer of Drakan I felt some urge
to keep on reading.
Not as strong an urge, we hope, as the craving you Europeans had to tax our tea.
Because, as we remember, that urge resulted in us having to fly our jets over there and
kick your nazi asses. USA!
How about this one... "topping the SoftTrend charts at
..."mean the chart starts with #2" Can you sink any lower?
Yes - your mother's a cunt.
You are nitpicking at the obviously flawed english language to
strengthen your arguement? I see visions of the masses bowing down to oldmanmurray.com for
its unmatched wit and wisdom.
All future OMM updates and press releases will include this official quote from Tom
Vykruta, European president of Psygnosis and programmer of the Spice Girls game:
"I see visions of the masses bowing down to oldmanmurray.com for its unmatched wit
It is furthermore comforting to hear that you will voluntarily
devote your life to to ridiculing Psygnosis, and Drakan in particular. Next time Warner
Bro's says something stupid to the public, are you going to start a personal attack on
Keanu Reeves, or better yet, devote your life to ridiculing the man?
Check the archives, herr monsieur. Also, you're pretty touchy about Keanu
Reeves. That reminds me of something I meant to say earlier: did you know we've got
Europeans here in America? We call them fags.
Your web page is full of ignorant, invalid statements. It offers no
intelligent humor or reasonable opinions.
First of all, maybe you're forgetting about our liberal use of the word
"apostasy", a term not generally heard in conversations among dumb people.
Like you, Mr. Stupid. Second of all, we think reasonable opinions
are like assholes - your tongue has been up one in a public restroom.
If 100% of the content wasn't so damn negative the stupidity of the
editors could be forgiven. Do yourself a favor and quit while you're behind.
Did you Europeans quit when you were behind in your butchering Jews like unwanted
fetuses? Don't bother booting up En Carta, genius, the answer is no. My
yarmulke wearing Sergeant Grandpa had to fly his jet over there and knock the gas chamber
remote out of your assy smelling fingers himself. And while he was at it I think he
popped a WWII era cap right in your sunken euro-chest. I'll never forget the stories
he told me about how he and his buddies and a bunch of foxy WAVES liberated ol' San
Francisco from you slanty-eyed motherfuckers.
Programmer, Surreal Software
P.S. I would love to, although I don't expect to, see a reply to this
email. At least run a spell checker on it and point out any
spelling/grammar mistakes I have made along the way. perhaps an
Inkorektely plased cOma ,or piirio.d?
I think you spelled your last name wrong. Or else you have a really stupid
last name. Way to
stick it to the correct spelling of "period", Frenchy.
The opinions in this email are strictly personal and in no way
represent Surreal Software or Psygnosis
All opinions expressed in our response represent the official viewpoints of both
the US Government and id software's Adrian Carmack
Do you know who else Tom Vykruta thinks is "ignorant and
invalid"? That's right, the Hanson Brothers. In fact, the Tom
Vykruta character in the movie went so far as to call them "fucking
retards." I guess we all know they only went on to lead the Charlestown
Chiefs to the championship. Just like we're going to lead our dear readers to the
webpage karate championship. "We're #2! We're #2!"
Here's a map clearly showing that San Francisco is smack dab in the middle of
France. It's even got a star next to it. That means it's a Euro-Mystery Shack
spot, where balls roll uphill and there's one of those giant rotating beer barrels.
The circle around the star is a warning to travellers that Tom Vykruta lives here and that
he's some kind of nutty homo, so even though the Mystery Shack is a big draw, you should
beware when visiting to keep your comments about Keanu Reeves to yourself. Or else
you might find yourself on the misspelled business end of a nasty letter from French Tom.
Since you obviously aren't a regular visitor to our page, you probably don't know
how we normally settle disputes here. What we do is take a photo of our fattest
employee, currently erik, wearing the smallest party hat we can find. You, our arch
nemeses, now retaliate by photographing your own fattest employee or fattest girlfriend of
an employee wearing a small party hat. If your entrant is fatter and wearing a
smaller hat than erik, you win. It's that simple! What with all the rich food
you Europeans eat, it should be easy to find a real fatso with which to challenge our
reigning champ. Hopefully, party hat makers weren't on one of your nazi
extermination lists, because then you're kind of screwed.