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Drakan Week Official Response
1999-09-23 Staff
Just in the nick of time, we received what we think is an official response to our Drakan Week Mission Statement from a representative of heavyweight European game developer Psygnosis.  Upon first reading it, we found no offer of a monetary settlement, only derision.  We read it again looking for any subtly disguised cash proposals and discovered only more subtly disguised derision.  As seems to be the wish of the letter's author, Surreal's Tom Vykruta, we've reproduced it here unedited in yellow.  Our comments appear in white.


I just finished reading http://www.oldmanmurray.com/drakan_ms.wcs . You
nicely managed to turn a blatant attack on Psygnosis into a Drakan hate article. The irony oozes out like diarrhea from a recently constipated rhino. Does your feeble one-tracked mind not realize that a publisher its games have almost nothing in common? Quotes such as "Euro-developer Psygnosis, creators or developers of such ingenious get-rich quick schemes as the Spice Girls game and More Lemmings" puzzle me.

But not half as puzzling as "More Lemmings Again" is what I'm reading here, eh Tom? Can you marketing guys stop plugging for even one second?

Pygnosis is not a developer. Psygnosis is a publisher. The letter was written by Psygnosis in San Francisco. Last time I checked, San Francisco was not in the 'Euro'pe, but infact on a whole other continent.

We checked again, and San Francisco is indeed in Europe. Point to us!

The first paragraph mentioning psygnosis has already totally discredited your whole article.. but being the real developer of Drakan I felt some urge to keep on reading.

Not as strong an urge, we hope, as the craving you Europeans had to tax our tea. Because, as we remember, that urge resulted in us having to fly our jets over there and kick your nazi asses. USA!

How about this one... "topping the SoftTrend charts at #2."
..."mean the chart starts with #2" Can you sink any lower?

Yes - your mother's a cunt.

You are nitpicking at the obviously flawed english language to strengthen your arguement? I see visions of the masses bowing down to oldmanmurray.com for its unmatched wit and wisdom.

All future OMM updates and press releases will include this official quote from Tom Vykruta, European president of Psygnosis and programmer of the Spice Girls game: "I see visions of the masses bowing down to oldmanmurray.com for its unmatched wit and wisdom."

It is furthermore comforting to hear that you will voluntarily devote your life to to ridiculing Psygnosis, and Drakan in particular. Next time Warner Bro's says something stupid to the public, are you going to start a personal attack on Keanu Reeves, or better yet, devote your life to ridiculing the man?

Check the archives, herr monsieur.  Also, you're pretty touchy about Keanu Reeves. That reminds me of something I meant to say earlier: did you know we've got Europeans here in America?  We call them fags.

Your web page is full of ignorant, invalid statements. It offers no intelligent humor or reasonable opinions.

First of all, maybe you're forgetting about our liberal use of the word "apostasy", a term not generally heard in conversations among dumb people.   Like you, Mr. Stupid.  Second of all, we think reasonable opinions are like assholes - your tongue has been up one in a public restroom.

If 100% of the content wasn't so damn negative the stupidity of the editors could be forgiven. Do yourself a favor and quit while you're behind.

Did you Europeans quit when you were behind in your butchering Jews like unwanted fetuses?  Don't bother booting up En Carta, genius, the answer is no.  My yarmulke wearing Sergeant Grandpa had to fly his jet over there and knock the gas chamber remote out of your assy smelling fingers himself.  And while he was at it I think he popped a WWII era cap right in your sunken euro-chest.  I'll never forget the stories he told me about how he and his buddies and a bunch of foxy WAVES liberated ol' San Francisco from you slanty-eyed motherfuckers.

Tom Vykruta
Programmer, Surreal Software

P.S. I would love to, although I don't expect to, see a reply to this
email. At least run a spell checker on it and point out any
spelling/grammar mistakes I have made along the way. perhaps an
Inkorektely plased cOma ,or piirio.d?

I think you spelled your last name wrong.  Or else you have a really stupid last name.  Way to stick it to the correct spelling of "period", Frenchy.

The opinions in this email are strictly personal and in no way represent Surreal Software or Psygnosis

All opinions expressed in our response represent the official viewpoints of both the US Government and id software's Adrian Carmack


Do you know who else Tom Vykruta thinks is "ignorant and invalid"?  That's right, the Hanson Brothers.  In fact, the Tom Vykruta character in the movie went so far as to call them "fucking retards."  I guess we all know they only went on to lead the Charlestown Chiefs to the championship.  Just like we're going to lead our dear readers to the webpage karate championship.  "We're #2!  We're #2!"




Here's a map clearly showing that San Francisco is smack dab in the middle of France.  It's even got a star next to it.  That means it's a Euro-Mystery Shack spot, where balls roll uphill and there's one of those giant rotating beer barrels.   The circle around the star is a warning to travellers that Tom Vykruta lives here and that he's some kind of nutty homo, so even though the Mystery Shack is a big draw, you should beware when visiting to keep your comments about Keanu Reeves to yourself.  Or else you might find yourself on the misspelled business end of a nasty letter from French Tom.



Since you obviously aren't a regular visitor to our page, you probably don't know how we normally settle disputes here.  What we do is take a photo of our fattest employee, currently erik, wearing the smallest party hat we can find.  You, our arch nemeses, now retaliate by photographing your own fattest employee or fattest girlfriend of an employee wearing a small party hat.  If your entrant is fatter and wearing a smaller hat than erik, you win.  It's that simple!  What with all the rich food you Europeans eat, it should be easy to find a real fatso with which to challenge our reigning champ.  Hopefully, party hat makers weren't on one of your nazi extermination lists, because then you're kind of screwed.


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