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Cratemaster Contest Results
2000-07-28 Erik


Weeks and weeks ago - just after the first photos of me hit the Internet thanks to famous state and federal job retraining candidate Paul Steed - a concerned female reader wrote in and declared "I thought you'd be better looking."   Of course, my sympathies go out to her, her family, the men who pay her for sex, and her smelly dried-up fucking abortion vent.   I can understandand her feelings - there was a time when I thought I'd be better looking too.  As the man said, so go the dreams of youth.  And if I can't look in the mirror and see reflected the pretty boy I've always longed to be, I can at least stare longingly at the photographs of boy bands that I've clipped from the pages of Seventeen, Young Miss, and Hype Hair For Black Teens.  Nobody can take those away from me.  If I hide them.  

Along these same lines, I thought the Cratemaster Hi-Score contest entries would be better looking.  While we received over 3000 of them, most appeared to be nothing more than actual screenshots of legitimate CrateMaster sessions.  By the time I'd waded through the first nine hundred - with no help from Chet, I might add - I was ready to cancel the contest.  I mean, congratulations on your high score and whatnot, but why are you telling me about it?  To paraphrase a highly comical T-shirt I saw once:  Did you confuse me with someone who gives a shit?  Like Gamepro?  I'm not your whore, though I am with stupid, and the arrow on the shirt is pointing directly at American McGee's you.

However, we did receive enough doctored entries to keep the contest alive.    So without further berating of our dear readers who took the time to send in a screenshot, here are the runners-up and the two big winners.  I'd just like to say that, in my mind, all of you are winners, except, of course, those of you who lost.


Starting from the very bottom of the heap, we have this inexplicable entry from our "good buddy" Brandon.  Not only did he think a negative score was an awesome idea, he apparently decided that insulting my mother was a can't-miss strategy for success.  My mother sucks hobo cocks?   Maybe you thought I live by the train tracks in the Oklahoma Dustbowl.  In the 1930s.  Anyway, congratulations, you lose.


Scott Webster's entry probably took a lot of time to make.  More time, at least, than it's going to take me to type the words "you lose".


Trevor Grimshaw sent in this bravely anti-christian entry.  At first, I figured he concoted it in study hall between hand-inking the word "ozzy" onto the flap of skin between his thumb and forefinger and plotting to shoot up his Junior High.  But then I read the following in his email: "I am 28 years old."  Way to go, Trevor, you're a loser.  And you didn't win the contest either.


This more or less totally naked from the sternum up entry comes courtesy of Ryan.   Maybe someone who's impressed by this sort of thing will judge the next contest, Ry. 


Scott Webster continues both the naked breast theme and his unprecedented losing streak with this, his second failed entry.  Too bad we're not giving out a prize for the most rejected submissions!  Though if we were, resourceful Scott Webster would probably still find some way to lose.


This entry from Francois Campill has so many things wrong with it, that I started assigning numbers to them.  As I've already stated, the naked lady (1.) insults even my below-average intelligence, as does the Puerto Rican lawn furniture (2.) on which she is reclined.  I'm not going to bother explaining everything else.   Francois Campill loses because he is French.


I don't know what Adam Cralic was thinking when he decided I'd be aroused by a picture of Seanbaby's head nestled atop the body of a naked fat woman.  But kudos to him, because it worked.  Unfortunately, he forgot to cover the rather gaping vagina, which violates what are pretty much interplanetary standards of decency.  I was forced to re-doctor the photo myself and paste a picture of a breast over the offending baby hatch, automatically disqualifying the entry.  To paraphrase Peter Chriss, star of Kiss Meets The Phantom of The Park, but oddly enough not Kiss: Psycho Circus, "Adam Cralic, what can I do?"


Ben Lincoln decided to forego CrateMaster altogether and devote his time to crafting this sexy picture of John Romero.  This is just the kind of thing I don't need to be seeing lately.  Shame on you, Ben Lincoln.  And thank you, Ben Lincoln.


Huey Borkum didn't even try!  LOL!!!  AY!!!  The "AY" stands for "at you".


2nd Place:

Because programming is hard, this was about as much Cratemaster as most people managed to experience.  But that didn't stop Simon Walley from achieving this awfully impressive high score.  Never give up!  I'm saying that for your benefit, not Simon Walley's.  He got busy never giving up while you sat around on your fat ass, cradled your precious Foucault Reader, did bong hits, and generally acted like a big crybaby.   His free copy of Tread Marks stands as a testament to your own personal failures.


The Winner!

What can I say about Jesse McGrew's entry that hasn't already been speculated privately by everyone who has access to the Internet.  Congratulations Jesse.


Special Jury Prize:

We discovered that we have an extra copy of Tread Marks.  We're giving it to Derek Williams and Johnathan Shelton for this amazing entry.  I hope you like sharing.

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