|Epic Lowers Expectations. 1999-02-05 Chet|
|Epic MegaGames has changed its name to Epic Games.
The removal of Mega is reportedly a first step towards avoiding class-action
lawsuits as many of its products have tended to be neither epic nor mega nor even
accurately described as games. Epic MegaGame's law firm, Jumbo SuperLawyers, LLP,
looked further into the company's product line and demanded the game Jazz
JackRabbit be renamed Crap Rabbit. After further counsel, it was decided that
the name still left them open to lawsuits as "Rabbit" evokes images of
jumping and frolicking and may tend to create the expectation of some type of fun game
play. The new name for the series will simply be "Crap".|
At press time, Epic was reportedly deciding between one of two candidate names for Unreal:
"Super Box with CD" or "Crap". We'll keep you posted.
|King's Quest 8: Not As Good As Cancer. 1999-02-04 Chet|
|Somebody has to actually try and play the really crappy
games so we can all laugh. Thankfully, Barak Engel took
it upon himself to play King's Quest 8 and report his
findings. So who does he think this game appeals to? "Except for
Roberta's kids, no one I could think of. No, wait, there's blood and gore, so scratch
them, too" |
|New "Scene" For Scene Hungry Gamers! 1999-02-04 Erik|
|Saw this in the print version of the Washington Post|
Feel free to get up from your desk and get down with Marvin. If your
coworkers mock you, remind them that this is perfectly acceptable behavior to the very,
very smart Japanese. When you're through, hilite the area below for a secret,
You are great dancer!
||Piping hot from the country that killed
your grandfather, then made up for it by inventing Street Fighter 2, comes Dance
Dance Revolution. Not simply an arcade game, nor exacty a vending machine that
doles out soiled schoolgirl panties and rape comics to drunk salarymen, it's more like
video poker. Only instead of playing video poker, you dance in front of a
virtua-fighter style animated character and instead of winning money, the machine
sometimes flashes encouraging phrases such as "Congratulations" and
"Good". Japanese people can't get enough of it. The Post quotes the
experiences of one smitten gamer:
"I've never been to a nightclub, but I've been here 100
times," said Shintani, who has pumped more than $260 into these games in recent
weeks. "Now I've gotten used to people watching me, so maybe now I'll give
nightclubs a try."
Still, he said, if you feel like dancing, it takes less courage to plunk change in a
machine than to ask a girl.
I'm not going to comment on this quote. What could I
possibly say to make it sadder or uglier? This is what happens when a culture is too
polite to mock strangers publicly. Feel free to try out our dancing-simulation
simulator at the left. Practice on it until you feel comfortable enough to actually
go to an arcade and operate a dancing simulator. Work on that until you've gained
enough confidence to go to a real club and ask a real female to actually dance. When
she sarcastically declines your offer, run your ass over to the manga stand and buy some
violent porno comics.
|InfoWorld Scoop, Netscape Ripe for the Web.! 1999-02-03 Chet|
|saw this in InfoWorld (Not online)|
|A crack InfoWorld reporter leads off an article
in their enterprise section by daring to proclaim that Netscape is finally ready for the
web! "Netscape Ripe For The Web" Wow! What next? Will
IBM soon start using computers? Just had to point this out, sometimes even
game reporters seem like geniuses.|
|Lord Of The Level's IRC Chat Recap 1999-02-02 Chet|
|Are unedited IRC chat logs news? Everyone
(Redwood, Blues, etc.) seems to think so. We thought it would be about gaming, then
I read Marvin's recap. Then I read the log. Marvin is right. Check out Marvin's IRC recap.|
|Sound Effects For Your Next Commodore PET Game 1999-02-02 Erik|
|In an interview
on Video Game News Jeff Minter describes how horrible the old days were:|
You got sound effects in the game by putting an AM radio next to the computer. You
could throw the CPU into differently timed loops, and, if you tuned the radio correctly,
the RF emissions sounded like some pretty good zaps and explosion noises
|OldManMurray Makes Friend. Friend Total Climbs To 1. 1999-02-01 Staff|
|Last week, we hyped the SeanBaby page. It was
promptly shut down by Fortune "Fucking Asswipe" City and the Hostess
"Fucking Asswipe" Corporation. After a week of private investigation,
we've come to the conclusion that, in the words of Marvin Runyon, "SeanBaby is not
half as bi-curious as his picture would indicate." Therefore, we offered to
host his site. How to describe the SeanBaby experience? In his own words:|
Here you can read the triumphant saga of my growing up in a Menudo songwriting
sweatshop. It's where I first learned to clap. And if you don't give a shit about me and
the amateurish child psychology I was subjected to, you can remember the decade of rolled
up jeans and Todd Bridges on the Super
Friends, Nintendo, or Hostess Fruit Pie page. If
you're still not satisfied and were just looking for pictures from the International Gay Rodeo Association, this is the page
for you. It's like a wet dream come true, except you get more sperm on yourself here.
|We've always felt our virtual empire was missing something.
"A home page written by someone who swears a lot and talks about his
dick?" you ask. That's right. SeanBaby is brilliant and we love him.
Click on the Mummy Terror Head at right
|Marvin Creates "FunSpace" For Sick Japanese Children 1999-01-31 Erik|
|Did you know that, while able to purchase soiled
schoolgirl panties from vending machines on every corner, many Japanese children can't
play their favorite videogames? It's true. They're highly susceptible to a
form of epilepsy triggered by rapidly flashing images and Survival Horror: two key
ingredients of most popular Japanese pastimes - including video games. Normally,
Marvin would be content to call those children fruits and move on, but this time, in some
way, for some reason he's been moved to action. In his own words:|
Christ, it's just not Christian. It's like a Chinese kid not being able to
hate the Taiwanese. So I've created a special page just for you, little
epileptic Japanese boy or girl.
We like to think that he's done more than that: he's invented a safe, fun place
for the little epileptic Japanese boy or girl inside us all.
|Someone Understands. That Someone Is Robocop. 1999-01-30 Erik|
|Saw this in a divine vision|
|Do you sometimes feel alone? Unwanted? Are
you sick? Tired? Both? Do the artsy content guys not understand the
pressure you're under to deliver the technology? Someone cares. Someone like
Jesus, only trapped in a cyborg combat suit. How about we let the healing begin.|
|Hot Gay Sex 1999-01-30 Erik|
|We've received some pretty fancy emails taking us to task for perceived slights against homosexuals. This comes as quite a shock since nobody enjoys hot gay sex more than us; the hotter and gayer the better. In fact, in the section of our FAQ entitled "How To Get Sex From The Staff Of OldManMurray" we explicitly state:|
And just so you don't think we're shallow, let us assure you that when it comes to scorching hot gayness, sex isn't all we're interested in. Hot gay cuddling, hot gay chat, hot gay teen chat, hot gay pokemon battles, and commited hot gay heterosexual relationships are just some of the many hot gay activities in which we participate on a regular basis. So when your spider sense starts to tingle, remember: we're not judging anyone for being gay but simply, in our opinion, for not being gay enough. We hope that clears things up.
If you want to "get it on" with a member of our staff, please ask yourself the following two things:
1) Will it be hot?
2) Will it be gay?
If you answered "yes" to both question then, Sir or Madame, let the hot gay sex begin, and don't be alarmed when we punctuate it with cries of "Hotter! Gayer!"
Professional wrestling is about the only hot gay activity we feel could be "gayed down" a little.