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| UGO Successfully Clones Game Site. 1999-02-22 Chet | | Like Scottish scientists feverishly experimenting on
sheep, UGO has announced yet another breakthrough in their attempt to set some kind of
record for owning the most number of copycat web-sites splashing around in the shallow end
of the game news pool. PcVelocity has
"broken out onto the scene" to do some hard-hitting cutting and pasting of
press releases and .plan files. Never in the history of gaming have we had such an
embarrassment of riches when it comes to seeing the same news reported ten thousand times.
I'm sure they're gamers, man, writing for gamers. And after a quick
look at their site, I've calculated their core gamer demographic: sissies. 87%
for King's Quest 8? Come on. Any site worth it's salt will go no higher than
20% for a game written by or starring Roberta Williams. Not to get off on a tangent
here, but this woman is the devil. Let me get to the point: we're better than UGO.
It's immodest, sure, but who'll say it if we don't? Okay, the US government. But besides
ourselves and the US government? Nobody. We don't spend sixteen hours a day
producing this website and lifting weights just so we can admire each others swollen
biceps, quads, and gluoids. We need to feel that we've beaten someone. That
someone is UGO. We also have real names. PcVelocity is written by Wedge,
Zipnar, Upaboveit, Lengis and "guy who thought King Quest 8 didn't suck".
Here it's real simple, I'm Chet and this is my partner and 4-life nigga erik.
With all the UGO news sites, there's a very real possibility that they'll get stuck in
some weird endless loop of reporting what the other site is reporting. You heard it
here first.
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| Valve Thinks They're Slick, Will Get Sued 1999-02-19 Erik | Oh, they will pay. One Million Dollars. |
| We recently discovered that Valve sent out a cool
picture of the Team Fortress Classic characters to every website. Let me correct
that statement: every website but one. "Gee why didn't they send it to
Blue's," I hear you asking. Sorry boyfriend, it wasn't Blue they missed (in
fact, my sources tell me he got 4), IT WAS US. Our first reaction: it's certainly
going to be hard for Valve to gold-master, package, and release Team Fortess II with
no fucking teeth. Cooler heads prevailed though, and while there was a lot of
swearing by both ourselves and the American Heritage Talking Dictionary followed by a
period of flexing, bicep kissing, and karate poses struck in front of the mirror, no
actual assault on Valve took place. We started to think that Valve, who seem to be
at least iconoclasts and maybe even nihilists, are willfully ignoring us because we are
the only game site endorsed by the US Government; the very same US
goverment their iconoclast, nihilist, zionist beliefs seek to destroy. Marvin asked,
"don't the zionists control the US government? So wouldn't Valve send
us that JPEG first, even before Evil Avatar?" Well we don't know and, anyway,
somebody in the office decided to actually look at the image and
then it all became clear. It seems someone at Valve thought it would be a good idea
to make one of the characters look just like Marvin. They tried to disguise
it a little by covering most of his face with a surgical mask but, I mean, come on man:
that's Marvin. This is a textbook example of what the indians call maize and lawyers
call theft of intellectual property. Marvin is a wholly owned
fictional,hateful,futuristic mascot and subsidiary of Murray and Sons Inc. and therefore
accorded all protections defined by law including future law which is pretty
strict because it's ape law. And that reminds me Valve, in case you're
still thinking that your "secret" project is going to star the Helpful Daikatana
Monkey, here's some advice: don't. The Helpful Daikatana Monkey is ours, baby, as in
owned by us and not by you or your little buddy Bill Gates. Plus I think it would be
a bad idea to make a game that has Daikatana in the title. Chet just reminded me
that I'm gay, so what Valve did is also a hate crime. And
that's pretty serious.
Anyway, if you haven't seen the evidence yet, click here
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| Stop Presses: G.O.D.,Take 2, Delphine Team Up To Release Crap 1999-02-16 Chet | Saw this in a press release, but I lost the link. Don't worry, every other website will have a glowing "preview" comprised of juicy regurgitated tidbits from the press release pretty soon. Get the link from them. Please. The game's name by the way is DarkStone. |
| | Some complex combination of Rock Star Games, Take 2,
Delphine, GOD and all their lawyers is going to write and publish yet another FPS that
takes place in a dungeon. As you know, dungeons exist in one of only five locations: the
future, the past, so far in the past that everything's kinda futuristic, so far in the
future that everyone forgot how to make guns, or Middle-Earth. Rock Star has chosen Middle
Earth. The press release promises a slew of new and innovative features such as magic
crystals, lizardmen, and boss monsters whose names feature extra vowels. It will
also "mix action and adventure experiences with emotion, reflection, and depth."
Allow us to translate: the dungeon will be thirty two levels deep, there will be a
reflecting pool that heals you and... um... let's see... Is apathy an emotion?
Though not specifically mentioned in the press release, you'll fight an orc. And a
skeleton. With all these famous contributing partners, Rock Stars' first project is
shaping up to be more of a rock supergroup, like the incredibly sucky Asia. Added bonus,
some sites like Avault have had this press release "reported" by a
"reporter".
So listen up kids, here is a test.
To become a reporter for a big game site you need:
1)A thorough knowledge of the gaming industry.
2)Ability to offer insight and understanding into the development process of a game.
3)Research experience to dig deep to get a news story.
4)The ability to Cut and Paste a press release.
Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V. Learn it. Live it.
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| GameSpot & Eidos Go Crazy With Madness!!! 1999-02-13 Chet | Saw this in an Eidos Newsletter |
| What do you do when you throw away $20mil and need to
promote a game? First try and announce its demo. When that results in the
serene sounds of crickets chirping, there's nothing left to do but declare Demo
Madness! Wow! Gamespot and Eidos are simply demo mad! Gamespot
has a special Eidos DemoMadness page!
Wow! They must be mad! Insane to try and build excitement about the
"release" of demo's for TRIII, Gangsters and others. 1 in 5 downloads have
a chance to win the documentation that should have been included in the retail game!
Gamespot is simply the "bestest" for being so "grand" as to host this
very special piece of crapola. Congrats to the GameSpot Team! You're whores!
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| Young Girl To Save Daikatana, Talk Publicly To Male Nerds. 1999-02-13 Chet | This is just the type of non-event that will be widely hyped without comment. |
| | Killcreek had an IRC chat Friday... Isn't this
the same school aged fan-girl who was working as a play tester a couple of weeks ago? And
now we should be excited she's in a chat room? By the way just for fun go to http://www.daikatana.com/ make sure to have a flash
enabled browser so Romero can masturbate straight in your face. What the f'n hell is with
their idiotic pages?
Or try the Mplayer Daikatana page....
See KillCreek say "Oh .. my .. Things here in the big green tower are getting
excessively exciting!! Spirits around the office seem to be higher than ever before as
everyone gets their first taste of Daikatana deathmatch" First taste?
Hmm.... didn't Romero already talk this up? But now it's everyone's first
taste? Maybe she means everyone's first taste of actually getting their BMW stitched
asses out of a car and working... First taste of DM after 15 years in
development? Isn't it just a Quake II TC at this point?
And for you Daikatana heads, KillCreek lets out this tidbit "Xcalibur has done a
great job with Storm Sector Seven (the map formerly known as Storm Sector Two)."
Time to rethink that Storm Sector Two tattoo on my neck.
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| Erik Invents New Swear Word 1999-02-13 Chet | He seems pretty surprised by the Marvin led Ion Storm backlash backlash. |
| In the wake of a cruel feature article of which he is
the target, erik has expressed his outrage utilizing the only tool available to him:
bizarre, made-up swear words.
Moments after the article appeared, we mocked him to guage his response. His only comment:
“Oh yeah that’s funny… … man, shut up.” When later pelted with
wadded up pieces of paper to elicit further comment, erik replied, “Why d’you
always gotta be such an asshole… asshole.”
After several minutes of sulking during which he apparently concocted the swear word, erik
announced “You’re such a fucksauce.” The
American Heritage Talking Dictionary has no entry for "fucksauce". The
closest words we could find were fuck and motherfucker, both of which we had the
dictionary repeat about a hundred times to make sure we had the pronunciation right.
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| Apostasy 1999-02-12 Erik | Our American Heritage Talking Dictionary defines it as "A disavowal of previously avowed principles". It will also pronounce EVERY swear word known to man. Yes, that includes cunt. |
| Here is our published review of Starseige Tribes:
Internet only death match games are kind of like communism. It may seem like a good
idea. But eventually it falls apart because people suck. Sometimes you just need to not
play with others.
Actually, sometimes we're just incredible idiots. Starseige Tribes is phenomenal.
If you're wondering what we've been doing instead of updating the page, well, blame
Tribes. I'm too lazy to go change the review, but please disregard it. ST is
officially the "it" girl of February, and it runs great on a regular modem.
If you're a client and wondering why your work is so late, Tony and Chet have the
flu I think.
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| | Sharkey Gives Thumbs Up To VaporWare! 1999-02-08 Chet | | Sharkey scoops everyone this time! Sharkey
is very impressed with Rage's
Dispatched even though he admits "Another point worth mentioning is that no real
game design document has yet been drawn up. " Wow!!! That is sure a
winner! Ten fins for this one!! Next week Sharkey will be rating
games the programmers describe from their dreams! And they will all ROCK!!!!
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| | Pack Of Camels, The New Issue Of Black Booty, And Jeff Gordon Racing 1999-02-06 Chet |
Jeff Gordon looking very cool in his DOT approved gay racing suit. |
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The new Jeff Gordon XS Racing
demo for the PC is available at 7-11s nationwide. To receive the demo you must
purchase a twelve pack of Pepsi or an XL size Fritos Brand Corn Chips and then
you must make out with your sister for 10 minutes. Here is a brief description of
the game directly from the official website:
Modern technology has advanced and ultimately changed the face of racing cars now
reach speeds of 300mph on steep banks and loop turns that challenge drivers every second.
You're not crazy, that makes absolutely no sense. The game takes place in the
year 2012. You must race a lot, then face the "ultimate... challenge:
competing against Jeff Gordon himself - one-on-one" for Dale Earnhardt's hand in
marriage, which in the year 2012 is perfectly legal.
In a related note, most 7-11's are shutting down their cash machines during the promotion
to stop race fans from attempting to play the demo on the ATM, or "seement
nintendo" as it's often called by the NASCAR faithful. |
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| Amazingly, OldManMurray Named Official Game Site Of US Postal Service 1999-02-06 Erik | We swear to Christ this may actually be true. |
| In an unexpected turn of events, OldManMurray has
potentially become the first game site officially endorsed by a major branch of the US
Government. You should probably just read this.
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