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| GA-Source Editor Mad At id 1999-03-02 Erik | There's a big controversy over some reporter
from some magazine posting an audio interview with John Carmack. Lorien Newman,
GA-Source publisher, has posted a bitter, kinda loopy editorial in which he or she blasts
id for their reaction to the whole affair. He or she also gets some personal digs in
on Christian Antkow. I wish I could still find the audio transcript of the
interview, because Carmack's voice and speech patterns are terrifying. I'm sure he's
a genius, but he really sounds like a freak. Read the article.
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| This Is Probably A Huge Waste Of Time 1999-03-02 Erik | I made this with own two feet. |
| I've made some changes to our reviled forum section.
It now displays and sorts the forums by date of last post. I've also added a
little splash of color. I'm trying to make it so you can actually see the
tumbleweeds blowing through it. Anyhoo, don't be shocked by the new look. I
may be making some more changes over the next week. I should probably say something
pissy now... Let's see... Ooh - User Friendly is not only unfunny, it's poorly
drawn. That might not be very controversial - I'm sure I'd be hard pressed to find
someone with a dissenting opinion. On the off chance that you disagree with me, take it to the slightly
upgraded forum.
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| | Time To Kill 1999-03-02 Erik |
| I've logged literally thousands of hours in the various human killing simulators and I've got to say I'm ready to make the big leap and actually kill someone. The question, though, is this: now that I'm ready to start the killing proper, who do I kill? Let's face it, no matter who you pick to kill, someone's going to be angry. You could ice Todd Porter and somebody'd be pissed. I decided to start my target search by compiling a list of the motivational phrases I repeat in my head to keep me focused. I stared at the phrases and hoped they'd provide me with the insight to choose my victim wisely. It took about five hours, but finally two entries began to stand out:
#6 - Show me the money!
I really like money. I don't have enough money, and I'd like to get some more by doing something that appeals to me, like killing someone. Granted I haven't actually killed anyone yet, but it feels great in the simulator and I am a virtual master of the deadly arts. I'm vicariously adept at everything from futuristic energy weapons to edged weapons to the air-pump gun that inflates your victims until they pop, ala Dig Dug.
#19 - You're the hero of Islam!
I don't know much about Islam. The one thing I do know is that they're some incredible bad asses, like rear admiral John Blade from SIN or Final Fight's Haggar. A lot of creative types, such as people who write books, games, and music, like to think they're real bad boys as they thumb their nose at organized religion. Software companies and Black Metal bands think they're pretty tough with their demonic posturing. They subvert Jewish and Catholic iconography and, in the case of metal bands, prance around like undead gay vikings. But think about their targets: did you ever wonder why none of them are sticking it to Islam? Here's why: they'd get killed. Immediately, no questions asked, and with much rejoicing. I like that. I'd like to be the hero of Islam.
So I've got three major goals here: kill someone, make some money, be the hero of Islam. I'm pretty sure even lovesick retarded couples can see the inescapable logic of my conclusion: eliminate Salman Rushdie, with extreme prejudice. As you can probably tell from my extensive use of insider hitman lingo, I'm serious and I know what I'm doing. Do you have any idea how much money they're offering for Rushdie's head? I didn't. It's a lot and it's not just cash. A village in northern Iran has offered anyone who frags Rushdie ten carpets, 5,400 square yards of agricultural land, and a house with a garden. How many carpets do you think Salman Rushdie has? Probably like fifty. I currently don't even have two carpets; so there are class issues here as well.
My girlfriend - I mean boyfriend - thinks all my video game playing is stupid. Seeing me operate Sega Rally with my steering wheel controller really makes her laugh; deep belly laughs that resonate inside my skull. I wonder who'll be laughing when I parlay the many skills I've learned through countless years of video games into a box containing Salman Rushdie's head, which can be redeemed in Qom for several billion rials? Come to think of it, probably not my girlfriend. I might finally get Jodie Foster's attention, though. |
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|  | | Black metal band Satyricon. This is what Jerry Falwell means when he talks about "evil gays". |
| | Fun Fact | A fatwa is an Islamic religious pronouncement that remains valid only for the lifetime of the issuer.
A hukm is a permanent fatwa. The edict against Rushdie is often refererred to as a Fatwa. It is, in fact, a hukm. |
| Fun Fact | | What did Salman Rushdie do to make one third of the world's population want to kill him? You know, I'm not sure. It must have been pretty bad though. Oh wait, I think maybe he murdered JonBenet Ramsey. Man, that's bad. | 
| | Here's a picture of her. Say what you will about "fundamentalist religious wackos" but I'm in total agreement with them on this JonBenet thing. Rushdie must pay. If not with his life, then with cash. |
| Fun Fact | | Here was my original target: | 
| | This is a good lesson for anyone wanting to kill someone: don't keep putting it off! |
| Disclaimer | | Erik's opinions and various death threats are his own in no way represent the opinions and death threats of the Old Man or Chet or Marvin. Also, if his history of failed plans and get rich quick schemes is any indication, erik will never, ever manage to pull this off. In fact, he's probably already forgotten about it and is busy staring at his feet. | | |
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| March is 3DFX RULES MONTH! 1999-03-01 Chet | Thanks to the no good classic rocker Steve Miller some people are being told about a
crazy 3DFX payola
scheme. You can read about it here,
but it sounds pretty crazy. We don't believe it, and we believe anything.
Fly like an Eagle my ass. |
| It's officially march, and the usual
post-black history month depression has set in. To keep myself occupied, I've begun
to remake all the graphics for our site. Each new graphic will be in stunning 3D.
The kind of 3D that only looks good on an official 3DFX
graphics card. Throw out those NVIDIA
chipsets, our 3D graphics will look like crap on any TNT
card. Let me cut right to the chase: we worship 3DFX
as a god and in return manna rains down from heaven, just like the story of Jesus and the
loaves or the Thundercats. We have a full liturgy planned. We'll be leaking
the demo soon. Here's a taste:
Thou art the 3DFX chipset, the Son of
the living God. And Dave Zacarias, director of investor relations, answered and said unto
him, Blessed art thou, Whoring webmaster: for flesh and blood and timedemo1 hath not
revealed it unto thee, but the 3DFX
marketing department and a fifteen thousand dollar payment which is in heaven and en route
in the mail. And I say also unto thee, That thou shalt support resolutions up to
2048x1536, and thou shalt support Multi-Texturing and furthermore, that support for
Multi-Texturing shalt be patented, and upon this rock I will build my OpenGL 3DFX
Minidriver; and NVIDIA shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thee the key to
the single pass / single cycle bump-mapped kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever keys thou
shalt bind to the rocket launcher shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt
loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven and comprised of eight million triangles and
possibly even displayed on a digital flat panel. Amen.
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| Is-John-Romero-Mexican-Gate Blows Wide Open 1999-02-27 Erik | John Romero made a surprise appearance in our wildly unpopular forum section. |
| Joining such luminaries as Ator The Fighting Eagle and
Chet, John Romero has publicly declared his love for the Old Man in our own barren, much
ignored forum section. By doing so, he's tranformed himself from a complete
abstraction - for all we knew he was one of those emotionless cheaply-made mexican robots
- into our loveable best pal - like pokemon - essentially making it very difficult to
continue to race-bait and mock him. Very clever, esse. Just to give everyone
some closure on the ungodly amount of race mixing it took to produce him, Romero describes
his bloodline:
i am part Mexican. I am also part Aztec, Cherokee and Basque-Spanish
It's too bad we're officially burying the tomahawk, cause I really dislike the
Basque-Spanish. Cherokee is okay: Billy Ray Cyruss is Cherokee. Aztec,
though, is that for real? Isn't that like saying you're part Cro-Magnon?
Anyway, I won't argue since John's post amounts to an official endorsement of us by both
Eidos and Ion Storm.
Being the only website endorsed by the US
Government and Eidos and Ion Storm has made us realize that we're
not nearly muscular enough. We've embarked on a diet comprised solely of
chewable creatine tablets and creatine milkshakes. We may miss some updates in the
coming week, because I'm dizzy pretty much all the time now and chet's eyes are swollen
shut
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| | This Just In: Daikatana Is Awesome 1999-02-27 Staff | Most of the whoring mainstream game sites are motivated
by one thing: money - ad dollars and the promise of more ad dollars. We're driven by
a more pathetic desire: we want a friend - a dream friend like our pal John Romero.
Daikatana - lookeen good, baby.
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| Avault Whores Site For Chance To Meet Helpful Daikatana Monkey! 1999-02-26 Chet | Missed this,saw someone mentioning it on the newsgroups. |
| Avault has a press release
up from Ion Storm Hyping Daikatana. Supposedly "news is circulating through the
Internet gaming channels that this is the best deathmatch implementation since Doom 2"
Where? Has the Internet 2 been finished? Are we not cool enough to be on the
newsgroups or web sites that have been buzzing with talk of the demo beta?
Why a deathmatch only demo (even though last month Romero said there would be 1 single
player level)Romero:" Everyone realizes we are pouring ourselves into the single
player game. We want to show them we have not neglected deathmatch at all" Which
translates into, making a deathmatch level was a hell of alot easier than AI,monsters and
buddies needed for a single player level. Basically we have yet to start on the one
player levels and the deathmatch demo is nothing more than a quick Quake 2 TC.
Oh there is more, its just not fun pointing out how idiotic IonStorm is. One level, death
match only, and even now its late...
In a related note, Ion Storm's offices were broken into. Police later apprehended a
pizza delivery guy. How did they catch him? A
hidden camera nabbed him playing at Romero's computer.
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| | That Rocks! 1999-02-24 Erik |
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| | SeanBaby On Atari 2600 Porn 1999-02-23 Erik | In case you're not following the SeanBaby saga, he just
put up some new stuff about Playaround, the company that ruled the 2600 porn market.
Here's a taste:
The graphics were so bad you couldn't tell if you were fucking Kool
Aid Man or Cookie Monster, much less distinguish the gender of the humping pixels. For all
I know, my brother changed the label on the game, and I spent my childhood masturbating to
Chuck Norris Superkicks.
Go check it out.
It's at the bottom of the page.
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| Off Topic. Kind Of. Although Brian Hook Is Mentioned 1999-02-23 Erik | It seems that several game page webmasters are in some kind of acute grief state over the death of Siskel. This may help them cope. |
| Brian Hook helped write Quake or Quake II, which is
pretty good I guess, but he also turned me on to CNN film reviewer Paul Tatara in one of
his old .plan files. For that I am eternally grateful. Forget Siskel, formerly
known as the bald one - now simply the dead one, Tatara writes humongously entertaining
movie reviews. Here's his
latest. That's it.
Wait - if you're reading this and you're Brian Hook: tell Carmack to cut his hair.
It looks terrible. He was so nice looking with his short hair.
Just because Paul Steed is grotesquely muscular, don't be so insecure. He's
your boy, John. He'll do whatever you say; it's his job!
Hell man, look what happened to Romero. Do you think his hair didn't have anything
to do with it? Look, my ghetto upbringing taught me one thing: act like a
bitch, somone gonna make you they bitch, then you ass-out mothafucker. Do
you know what most people think when they see that hair? Bitch. Then they see
that Ferrari and you know what they think? Ferrari bitch. Hey, I know,
opinions are like Brazilian snuff film collections, everyone's got one, but take a minute
to think about what I'm saying. Also I'd like to give a shoutout to my nigga Paul
Jaquays - Quake 3 Arena lookin schmoof, P!
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