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Decline Of Civilization: Non-Violent Video Games Also To Blame 1999-09-07 Erik | In gun-free Japan, lunatics must resort to slow, painful killing techniques such as neck stabbing. Saw this here. |
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July 23, 1999: Minutes after an All Nippon Airways jumbo jet took
off from Tokyo's Haneda Airport, a 28-year-old Tokyo man pulled an 8-inch knife on a
flight attendant. He forced his way into the cockpit, told the co-pilot to leave, stabbed
Capt. Naoyuki Nagashima in the neck and shoulder, then took control of the aircraft. At
one point the plane plunged to within 300 meters of the ground. The co-pilot and two ANA
employees stormed the cockpit and overpowered the man. A non-uniformed pilot reportedly
landed the plane safely, but Captain Nagashima bled to death. The suspect later told
investigators he liked to play flight simulation games and wanted to fly a real plane.
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| Romero To Gamers: "How's Daikatana? Umm... Look! KillCreek's Tit!" 1999-09-04 Erik | What do I love most about women? I guess if I had to pick just one thing, it would be all the naked pictures of them. |
| | Sometimes after an evening
spent enjoying a few of my favorite single player drinking games such as "Fast
Drinker Deluxe" and "Schnapps Commander" I imagine what it would be like to
always wonder whether or not every person I meet during a typical day had just finished
jerking off to photographs of my vagina. What for me is idle conjecture will soon be
a real concern for Ion Storm level designer Stevie "KillCreek" Case who announced this week that she will
be collaborating with Playboy Enterprises, Inc. to
create and sell snapshots of her large boobs. I think I "speak" for Chet,
Marvin, the U.S. Postal Service, and Adrian Carmack when I stand
straight up and begin to slowly, deliberately clap. Bravo, girlfriend. Since
Stevie's obviously aware that Playboy is primarily a masturbation tool for men, I hope she
won't feel any less empowered when I respectfully request she include a few shots of her
ass. And if she could make sure that her ass is glistening with sweat or water from
a hose, that would be great. If the thought that Levelord will inevitably put Ms. Case's side project to
its intended use creeps her out, I apologize. If it causes her to reconsider, I
apologize even more stridently and, quite sincerely, take everything back. I wish I
hadn't put that Levelord image in your head,
Stevie. Allow me to rebut myself by telling you that the very attractive Paul Steed
will probably yank himself senseless. In fact - to paraphrase a cartoon I read once
- picture him, cock in one hand, hand workout device in the other, screaming "John
Carmack, come quick! I jerked it right off!"
In case you're wondering what patriarchy-inverting, beauty-myth smashing activities and
promotions KillCreek has in store past her fuck-book debut, I've come up with a few
suggestions:
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Peeing while standing has been the exclusive domain of men since the
sea-penis flew out the boiling pre-historic ocean and attached itself to a male monkey's
urine spout. What can a woman do to even the odds? Cut off a man's penis, and
he just grows another. So if you can't "beat 'em", "join 'em!" -
pee standing up using one of several commercially available devices such as the
"TravelMate" pictured at left. I think it would be a great KillCreek
endorsement for many reasons, not least of which is that it might involve pictures of her
using it. |
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Has there ever been a greater enemy of women than the human penis?
Though it has been both feared and worshipped throughout the ages, modern polymer science
has now created an inflatable novelty version suitable for punching. In my proposed
ad, KillCreek is pictured having just convinced Latino gender-traitor John Romero to take
a swing at it. Note Todd Porter's faggy delight. |
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"Go for the tit! The tit, you idiot!" I imagine I'd scream
were I to attend an exhibition of my proposed wymyn's topless boxing league starring
KillCreek. Who would have thought men would someday become obsolete even for boxing?
Not me, but here we are, as they say. |
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| | Our Marvin Grabs At A New Opportunity! 1999-09-03 Chet | Not willing to sit by while
others in the community do what they can to get ahead, Marvin has taken his first steps to a
career in the recording industry. Marvin was the author of the theme song for our American
McGee's Alice Piece. Realizing he needed to capitalize on the positive
response to his music, Marvin has offered his song
to mp3.com. He has also created his own special page
on our site. Marvin has assured us that his new career will not influence his work
ethic in anyway. To quote Marvin, "Quit being such goddamn fruits, it's not
like I was writing anything new anyway. Tell the fruits that read your page to go to my
mp3.com
page and listen to the long version of my song." Good luck, Marvin.
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| Asheron Calls Us For Beta Play! 1999-08-18 Chet | We actually play a game. Well, I do at least. |
|  Both erik and I hate Ultima Online. We both
became bored with EverQuest. But I finally realized what they were both
missing: I could never have a character with a beauty mark. Microsoft has
changed this with the beta version of Asheron's Call. Immensely fat characters are
still unavailable, but hey that's why it's a beta test. I am going to keep a running
log of my beta testing so others can see what they will soon be hooked on. Check out
my Asheron's Call Beta Log for all the latest info
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| Kiss Our Grits! No, Wait... Suck Our Grits! 1999-08-16 Staff | That's much edgier. Also edgy: if Wonderland had lots of Asian neon signs and steam. |
| Like you, we were baffled by American Mcgee's Alice. The one thing
we knew for sure after visiting the official
site was that the University of Getting Fired From id had graduated another
self-proclaimed genius. First Romero, now McGee: Not since the Manhatten Project
have so many "sick and brilliant" minds conspired to create such giant,
expensive bombs. If designing a competent quake level is all it takes to declare
oneself some kind of prodigious savant, then guess who else qualifies? Believe it or
not, Levelord. But still, the
question remains: What is American McGee's Alice? At first we thought it might have
something to do with the opium-induced fantasy stories Victorian pornographer Lewis
Carroll wrote to convince children to have sex with him. But then we read that McGee
planned to take his mysterious source material and make it "edgy."
Creating an on edge variation of Carroll's violent, bizarre work would be pointless - like
filming an "edgy" remake of Taxi Driver. Not to mention that everyone in
the world lost interest in hearing about the latent nightmarishness of Alice on September
17, 1865, four days after the book was released. McGee - who marketing experts at
Electronic Arts have described as "brilliant" - is obviously aware of these
facts, so we knew his inspiration could not be Alice in Wonderland. At this point,
and after flash4 crashed my workstation, I was ready to give up and forget about the whole
thing. Chet is not so easily discouraged, however. Bafflement, in fact, makes
him angry. He began screaming threats and his head turned purple. Thinking quickly,
I called EA and pointed the phone at Chet's mouth. Within minutes we not only had
the whole
story, we scored the world's first American McGee's Alice screenshots,
the edgy
theme music, and news of
what sick, brilliant projects are next for the reclusive genius. In case you haven't
clicked here
yet, click here.
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| | American McGee Keeps Impressing The Kids With Lack Of Content. 1999-08-13 Chet | First, I would like to
apologize for the lack of updates lately. Erik and I have both been working hard on
Erik's new TV gig. Erik appeared on MTV's "Scared Straight." Not
wanting to break the racial harmony on the show, Erik was forced to wear his hat low, and
sit in the back. He is the one who keeps saying "Fucker" or
"Fuck." You can't miss him. It was exciting, but now I am back
at the home office, and Erik is back in his cell. The updates are also back.
American McGee has once again trumpeted his upcoming game by not releasing any new
screenshots or specs. His idea is of a "press release" is to show a boring Flash presentation.
"You visited once to my world of absurd,
Come visit again if you have half a nerve. "
 Half a nerve? Is that the same half that
occasionally makes me click on the flash version of Ionstorm's web site? (Do I really want
to have to reboot my PC just to see the new Flash 4 version of Ionstorm's web site?)
Not since I kicked Ted Nugent's ass and made him dress up in a bear costume (pictured
right), have I been this sick of tough guys and their tough browser
plugins. If the update today/tomorrow is just more Flash, I say we hunt down McGee
and show him some oldstyle, big house DeathMatch, sans the bear costume.
Why pick on American McGee? I searched on "+"American
McGee" +fired at Infoseek ", oldmanmurray is listed in the 10 results this
search pulls up even though we have never reported on McGee's being fired from Id. I
don't know about you, but I don't screw with fate. I am putting this up so the time
travelers can find this piece where they expect it
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| Cliff "To Die For" Bleszinski 1999-08-07 Chet | Who loves you baby? Cliff does. |
|  Epicgames wonder
kid Cliff Bleszinski feels your pain. He has opened a new website called www.hellmouth.org.
"The purpose of this website is to give a voice to the
thousands of kids that are abused every day, as well as drawing attention to the parents
and administrators who ignore this abuse in the hope that something will be done. If this
website makes one tortured kid feel better, or makes one administrator or parent intervene
in abuse, then it has served its purpose. "
There are only a few stories of abuse up, but from the looks of it this site
will have a powerful impact. Here is a bit from one story on the site:
"I am in the 11th grade and all of the kids pick on me.
I try and tell them that I work at a big game company, and all they do is push me
around and knock my books down. One kid knows where I work, and he comes up behind
me and yells, "Jazz the Jackrabbit Sucks!" in my ear. It hurts, and I drop
my books. I try and tell my mom but she just ignores me. I don't know what to do.
My new game is getting overlooked by the gaming press. No one knows my
pain."
Cliff, thanks for the site. While my school years
did not mirror your own, I too had
concerns and problems. In my junior year, I had to juggle being president of the
debate team, fencing team, chess club, science club, French club, and class vice
president. It hurt only being class vice president. It hurt deep. My
senior year was even harder. Every girl in my class, the junior class, and some of
the previously graduating seniors would sleep with me, but Ms. "Going to be a
nun", would not. Do you know the silent shame that burned through me every day
knowing that this girl would choose God over me? God does not eat pussy, but I do!
How dare she ignore me. No one said it aloud, but I could hear the taunts in my
heart, "God is better than you!" These silent taunts still haunt me today.
I am sure Cliff's public forum will help further promote the USA's generally accepted
psyche; "It's not my fault, someone else made me do it. My life is miserable,
no one understands, etc..." Good work, we are all victims, and we all need a
place to cry.
On a side note, dear gentle readers, Cliff is accepting stories to his site by having them
emailed to his email address. Why I am sure
some of you will not be able to stop yourselves from firing off a story or two to Cliff,
please do not send email his way unless you are actually sending a legit story. His
current stories of a white trash chick who
can't grow up, a second
grader getting into a fight, and a
catfight where the victim spreads a lesbo rumor are all oddly legit. Please do
not lessen the impact of Cliff's important
project by sending him an email.
Thanks!
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| | System Shock 2 Demo 1999-08-03 Erik |
| It's no secret that I don't like System Shock. That
single statement has generated more angry letters than anything we've ever published.
Actually, another article technically resulted in more crazy, spiteful hate mail,
but all seven hundred complaints came from Tom 'Paradox' Mustaine, so
breadth-of-response-wise, System Shock is still the obvious winner. Many of
you called me a moron. While standardized tests I took in grade school clearly
support your argument, I'd like to point out that Chet also hates System Shock, and those
same tests indicate that he is some kind of freakin' genius. Maybe not a Rob Budrick
grade prodigy, but plainly gifted. We've had it up to the neural implants at the base of
our skulls with all things cyber. Don't get me wrong, we've got nothing against the
future - one of our employees is from there - but is it too much to ask to put some kind
of interesting spin on it? Here are System Shock 2's key features right off the
splash screen:
Hack computers, interface with security systems, activate
regeneration machines, receive email!
Activate regeneration machines? That's what they call
picking up health - in the future! Receive email? I don't even have
to haul my fat ass out of this very chair to do that for real. What idiot thought
getting email would ratchet up the fun factor? Whoever made the decision to
concentrate more on simulating email and less on snowboarding should be fired. Let
me add that in order to boot my workstation and play System Shock 2, I had to interface
with the Windows NT security system, and - game developers take note - it wasn't
especially riveting.
 They managed to think up futuristic names for rocket launcher ("Heat
Seeking Annelid Launcher") and shank smeared with HIV laced jiz ("Viral
Proliferator".) But I guess they ran out of ideas when it came time to
futurizeify the crate. Cyber-crate? Cubic matter container? Box
4000? It's not easy.
The splash screen also threatens that you may have to "watch
out for terrifying apparitions! If you're brave enough to watch them!" Being called a chicken never fails to goad me into action. "I'm
going to 'implant' my foot in your nanite expelling ass, Shodan!" I cried. It
was at this point that I looked down at my feet and realized that someone had
"hacked" off my legs. Try it yourself. In System Shock 2, you're
piloting a floating head. It's fucking weird and scary, so I quit back to windows.
Speaking of floating heads, here's a new episode of
The
Slugger!
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| Nice Going, Fellas 1999-07-28 Erik | Do you think Ziff-Davis doesn't read the forums? |
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| Thanks to several loudmouths in our now actually quite
popular forum section,
Ziff Davis has decided that we need some help creating on-topic content. After
talking to the Old Man himself, the chubsy-ubsy muckety-mucks over at ZD have recruited
two of our cousins, Andrew and Dave, to help us handle the review and preview load.
We love our cousins and fondly remember swimming in their pool when we were kids, but sort
of resent the intrusion into what we still consider - even after four months of corporate
ownership - our site. We're working on setting up email addresses and
official bios for the two of them. Until we get those finished, here's Dave's new screenshot preview column. |
Coy and Vance Duke
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