|KISS Psycho Circus Review|
2000-08-04 Staff Page 1 Page 2
Collector's Edition Commentary Track
This is basically what the game's entire intro scene looks like. Who
is boob man? It is a
mystery. He did eat the KISS. Why am I listening to this man in a dress?
What does he have to do with KISS? Is this the mysterious Beth? What in the
hell is this? And this old hag goes on and on about something for five full
minutes. I give up... Who could listen to this crap? URGENT
MESSAGE FOR MAKERS OF FUTURE GAMES CALLED KISS: KISS IS A FUCKING ROCK BAND FROM THE
70's! Here is an example of an intro for
a rock band. Listen to it. It makes no sense, sort of like the KISS intro
gypsy man... but at the end? ... When he starts yelling musta? THAT
MAKES ME WANNA ROCK! That's the kind of thing I'm looking for in an intro
to a game about KISS. That makes me want to take my 15 year old girlfriend's dad's
face and smash it into his turkey pot pie when he asks me if I'm ever going to cut my hair
and get a job. Third Law's talking mime just makes me sleepy.
||I like KISS, but Chet's a bigger
KISS fan than I'll ever be. I think he's got the pre-game criticisms covered.
I'm going to jump forward to the actual gameplay for a minute. Get a load of this
Someone at the Government should conduct a study to figure out why
the gene sequence that enables some people to make games is mutually exclusive of the gene
sequence that allows everyone else to remember that nobody likes jumping puzzles
over lava. I'm not blaming Third Law, because it appears to be an axiomatic
rule of physics that developers have no knowledge of the world's wholesale contempt for
the combination of lava, little rock piles, and jumping. Still, I feel like I should
try to make some sort of connection here:
Me, Chet, and everyone else who has played or ever
will play a video game got together and we decided that we hate jumping from
ledge to ledge over lava. And we're not crazy about jumping over bottomless chasms,
I'm sure because of this fundamental law of nature, John Carmack is
looking at that letter and seeing the words "I like ice cream!!!" I'll
keep trying, though.
This drum kit is in the very first scene of the game, but don't even think
about playing it with the "use" key. Remember, this is the company that
put "KISS" in the title, but not in the game, so don't think just because some
lawyer crammed the word "Interactive" onto the incorporation papers that anyone
at Third Law Interactive is going to feel obligated to make anything too
interactive. I want to play these drums! At least make a cymbal noise or some
fucking thing when I touch them. I don't know what the first two laws are, but the
third law sure isn't "I wanna rock n' roll all night and party every day"
Wicked Jester? Is the Third Law, "I wanna take a warm bubble bath all night and
file my nails every day?" I can just see the guys at third law rocking out to
"Sister Christian" while they were working on this game.
Here are some KISS
facts for you KISS haters:
produced a KISS comic that was
printed in KISS's blood! Nowadays, kids are spoiled by performers who are willing to
go the extra step and commit actual homicide. But in 1977, if a band paid a nurse to
blood and then the nurse gave the blood to Stan Lee so he could make a funny book out of it, it was
pretty fucking edgy. Speaking of that, Pizza Hut has declared that one of its
delicious pizza pies is edgy, officially ending the era where the word had any meaning
Here are two positive reviews of KISS's sexual performance
reprinted from the amazing Donna's
"Good points - AWESOME kisser, fairly decent size, good-looking dick, not
ugly. Made sure I finished too, which is rare in a rocker! Pretty good going down too.
Not-so-good points - he's fairly passive - made me do all the work... liked to be on
bottom... pretty quiet - I like a guy who makes a little noise... Not much for the
seduction scene - pretty much just jumped into it. Over all it was a pretty good
experience - i give it a 7!"
Gene Simmons: "The God Of Thunder is
of average size. And lets not forget the most important thing, THE TONGUE! He can go down
on a girl from across the room, and he has excellent control of it."
|The above picture is as far as I got in the game.
Erik told me if you hit the use key on this thing it plays a brief snippet of a KISS
song. Too little, too late. KISS KISS KISS and MORE KISS.
That is what this game needs. A little note to Third Law: nobody read the fucking
comic book. People want KISS! Do you remember KISS Meets the Phantom of the
Park? A giant band member kicked ass in that. KISS: Psycho Circus plays out
like it wasn't based the band, but instead on the gay prison film Kiss of the Spider
Woman. That's all I have to say. Show's over.
||In closing, Chet may be onto
something with his Kiss of the Spider Woman analogy: The movie has "KISS"
in the title, but not in the content, it's pretty gay, like a circus, and, though I
haven't seen it, it sounds like it has a lot of spiders. Oh, I forgot to mention the
spiders. Here, on your way out, look at this picture:
Mike Wilson: Please tell me I didn't just pay you
a million dollars to think up a spider.
Todd McFarlane: It's a Headless!
Mike Wilson: Oh Christ, I'm outta business.
Todd McFarlane: See there? No head!
Todd McFarlane: I made a clown spider too.
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