Chet's Unedited Review

Special Collector's Edition Commentary Track

This is basically what the game's entire intro scene looks like.  Who is boob man?  It is a mystery.  He did eat the KISS.  Why am I listening to this man in a dress?  What does he have to do with KISS?  Is this the mysterious Beth?  What in the hell is this?  And this old hag goes on and on about something for five full minutes.  I give up...  Who could listen to this crap?  URGENT MESSAGE FOR MAKERS OF FUTURE GAMES CALLED KISS:  KISS IS A FUCKING ROCK BAND FROM THE 70's!  Here is an example of an intro for a rock band.  Listen to it.  It makes no sense, sort of like the KISS intro gypsy man... but at the end?  ... When he starts yelling musta?  THAT MAKES ME WANNA ROCK!  That's the kind of thing I'm looking for in an intro to a game about KISS.  That makes me want to take my 15 year old girlfriend's dad's face and smash it into his turkey pot pie when he asks me if I'm ever going to cut my hair and get a job.  Third Law's talking mime just makes me sleepy.

Someone at the Government should conduct a study to figure out why the gene sequence that enables some people to make games is mutually exclusive of the gene sequence that allows everyone else to remember that nobody likes jumping puzzles over lava.  I'm not blaming Third Law, because it appears to be an axiomatic rule of physics that developers have no knowledge of the world's wholesale contempt for the combination of lava, little rock piles, and jumping.  Still, I feel like I should try to make some sort of connection here:

Dear developers,

Me, Chet, and everyone else who has played or ever will play a video game got together and we decided that we hate jumping from ledge to ledge over lava.  And we're not crazy about jumping over bottomless chasms, either.

I'm sure because of this fundamental law of nature, John Carmack is looking at that letter and seeing the words "I like ice cream!!!"  I'll keep trying, though.

This drum kit is in the very first scene of the game, but don't even think about playing it with the "use" key.  Remember, this is the company that put "KISS" in the title, but not in the game, so don't think just because some lawyer crammed the word "Interactive" onto the incorporation papers that anyone at Third Law Interactive is going to feel obligated to make anything too interactive.  I want to play these drums!  At least make a cymbal noise or some fucking thing when I touch them.  I don't know what the first two laws are, but the third law sure isn't "I wanna rock n' roll all night and party every day"  Wicked Jester?  Is the Third Law, "I wanna take a warm bubble bath all night and file my nails every day?"  I can just see the guys at third law rocking out to "Sister Christian" while they were working on this game.

Here are some KISS facts for you KISS haters:

Marvel produced a KISS comic that was printed in KISS's blood!  Nowadays, kids are spoiled by performers who are willing to go the extra step and commit actual homicide.  But in 1977, if a band paid a nurse to carefully draw

some blood and then the nurse gave the blood to Stan Lee so he could make a funny book out of it, it was pretty fucking edgy.  Speaking of that, Pizza Hut has declared that one of its delicious pizza pies is edgy, officially ending the era where the word had any meaning whatsoever.

Here are two positive reviews of KISS's sexual performance reprinted from the amazing Donna's Domain:

Ace Frehley: "Good points - AWESOME kisser, fairly decent size, good-looking dick, not ugly. Made sure I finished too, which is rare in a rocker! Pretty good going down too. Not-so-good points - he's fairly passive - made me do all the work... liked to be on bottom... pretty quiet - I like a guy who makes a little noise... Not much for the seduction scene - pretty much just jumped into it. Over all it was a pretty good experience - i give it a 7!"

Gene Simmons: "The God Of Thunder is of average size. And lets not forget the most important thing, THE TONGUE! He can go down on a girl from across the room, and he has excellent control of it."

Mike Wilson: Please tell me I didn't just pay you a million dollars to think up a spider.
Todd McFarlane:  It's a Headless!
Mike Wilson: Oh Christ, I'm outta business.
Todd McFarlane:  See there?  No head!

Todd McFarlane: I made a clown spider too.