Here's how the reviews normally go:  Chet plays a game, writes the review, and hands it off to me.  I then try to figure out what the game's about from reading Chet's review, add a few critical comments of my own and some pictures, run it by the game's publisher to get their approval, and send it to UGO so they can give it a once-over and make sure it won't offend any advertisers or potential advertisers.   Finally, you read the review and - if we've all done our jobs right - it helps you decide whether or not to download the ISO off of UseNet.  Each review is a massive collaborative effort like the space program - if, instead of trying to land on the moon, NASA paid a panel of highly trained engineers and physicists to sit around and call the moon a cunt.

For this review, I've decided to break format.  Chet submitted his KISS: Psycho Circus review yesterday, and it mostly consists of profane babbling.  I think he didn't play more than three minutes of the game before panning it.  But what the Hell, he seems passionate about his criticisms and, really, it's no skin off my ass either way.  It's not like we're designing machines to x-ray your head; there's a lot of room for slop in whatever you call this business we do here.

In another unprecedented incident, I've actually played KISS: Psycho Circus.  So I think I'm in a position to help guide you through Chet's review, because I understand his frustrations with the game.  Namely, where in the KISS game did Third Law hide all the KISS?  I'm going to reprint Chet's unedited review on the left, and comment on it on the right.

Chet's Unedited Review

Special Collector's Edition Commentary Track

KISS - Old rockers, but could still kick the teeth right out of Korn's pussies with just their forked-tongues alone.  They don't call KISS Knights In Satan's Service because they're not Satan's Servants, but because they ARE.

Psycho - This means rock until - surprise! - you're fucking insane.  It's not just the normal KISS, it is the psycho version of KISS!

Circus - This is a semi-gay gathering of mimes and people on swings. Okay, ignore this part.

With that out of the way, I totally support Chet on this whole circus issue.  In the olden days, some culturally influential person, maybe Walter Winchell, meant to say "circuses are stupid" but slipped and accidentally said "circuses are scary".  Since then, every time some hack like McFarlane needs to be "edgy", out come the clowns.  I'm going to try a little sociological experiment today:  Funny bumper stickers sure are creepy! 

Nightmare Child? Come on - this is the psychotic version of KISS they knocked up some hooker and now the evil offspring has joined the circus to kill the fat lady. THIS IS THE GAME I WANTED!!  Instead, I got what I'm pretty sure is legendary half-a-fag Kenny G hitting faceless spiders with his sax while looking for a new suit.  Does Third Law even know who KISS is?

There are many people at LithTech Inc. who love KISS and just simply put, have made sure that LithTech can handle KISS related material. So yeah, LithTech can render KISS!

Jesus, Third Law, I don't know what to say.  If you can't even blame a game's problems on LithTech, you're kinda screwed.

Pictured above is the difficulty select screen.  I'm gonna run it down for you.  First, Lullaby.  Good one.  Musically related and weak.  But Daydream?   What are they talking about?  Is this the song Daydream Believer?  If so, okay, but then what about Sleepless?  Sleepless?  If I am fucking Sleepless I would take Ritalin - I would not go out and kick ass with the #1 rock band in America!  Cold Sweat?  What the fuck?  Is all of Third Law going through menopause?  It's like one of them was like, "We need a word for the second hardest difficulty" and then the other Third Law guy said, "well, these hot flashes I get from my menopause are darn bad" and then the first guy asks "how's your estrogen treatment coming?" to which the other guy responds, "Aw hell, I'm just going to get a hysterectomy, like my big hero Todd McFarlane, and a Porsche" and meanwhile they forget to put any fucking KISS in the game.  

Here, I should point out that, regardless of what Dr. Chet says, hysterectomies are not a surgical cure for menopause.  I also want our many female readers to know that there is a well-documented causal link between hormone therapy and an increased risk of breast cancer.  So be careful there, ladies.  Tempering your estrogen with doses of progesterone can reduce that risk, but there may be other complications.  Ask your doctor, or just send me some mail and I'll figure it out for you.

Finally, Nightmare.  Okay, so you stole this one from Doom, and stealing is more or less rock and roll, and I suppose it is part of the title of your game.  On the other hand, fuck you anyway, Third Law.  Who in the hell are you marketing this game to?  Here is the ladder of difficulty you should have used:

Eric Carr
Paul Stanley
Peter Criss
"Space" Ace Frehley
Gene Simmons

See?  Not only is it about KISS, it makes sense.  Clearly, Eric Carr is easiest because not only was he a member of KISS during their stupid makeup-less period, he is the only one who was a big enough pussy to die - of a broken heart [technically, heart cancer - ed] which is a pretty sissy way to go, if you'd just think about it for three fucking seconds.  The next two are kind of a toss-up.  Paul Stanley looks like a girl, but Peter Criss wrote "Beth".  I could go either way on these two fruits, but you get the general idea.  Ace Frehley's definitely tougher than Peter Criss and Stanley, but nowhere near as tough as Gene Simmons, so he's in the fourth position more or less by default.  Without question, Gene Simmons is the biggest badass of the group for five reasons.  First of all, he's a Jew.  So while you probably think you're a real big man when you sit on your ranch-style Doritos stuffed ass and bravely annoy helpless old people like Harrison Ford and the Pope with all your sarcastic jabs at Jesus Christ, Gene's people were in the middle of the desert pissing off the crazy fucking Islams.  Secondly, he's a flame-vomiting devil from Hell, which, now that I think about it, trumps all the other reasons I had anyway.

Maybe people think circuses and clowns are so scary because of this famous photograph of enormously successful mass murderer John Wayne Gacy wearing a clown suit:

I did a little research and discovered this picture of sleepy John Wayne Gacy wearing pajamas:

Hey Todd McFarlane, I think bedtime just got a whole lot edgier!

My Desk

Above is the character selection screen.  Who is this guy?  Where is KISS?  Did I boot up Everquest by mistake?  Couldn't this guy at least be wearing face paint?   I don't want to play KISS's gay roadies.  Everyone look - behind me there is some hint of KISS!  Hey Third Law, thanks for making that KISS reference so subtle.   Nice job there, very tasteful.  I certainly wouldn't want too much KISS in my KISS game.  Look, dummies, KISS isn't subtle.  These are four middle-aged men who have to sit down during their show and wear girdles to keep their giant guts in.  But they do it, because they are fucking rock and roll.  But this guy?  This guy? THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS NEVER BEEN IN THE KISS ARMY!!!    WHERE IS THE GODDAMN KISS ARMY?  WHO ARE THESE ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH WEARING DHARMA AND GREG MOTHERFUCKERS?  JESUS CHRIST - KISS is the only band that had their own army!  Where is my army?   Where is KISS?

1. You are KISS.

2. KISS has been kidnapped by punks. 
Rescue KISS!

The list sort of peaks with #2, so I'll leave it at that. But you get the idea.

K:PC StC?  0.00 seconds.