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Drakan Week Mission Statement
1999-09-21 Staff
We've always considered ourselves "glass half-empty" guys.   We've told people that many times.  "We think the glass is half-empty," we'd say while waving and smiling.  "Half-empty!" one of us would shout as the other gave the double thumbs up.  What people didn't realize is that we thought the glass was half-filled with piss.  We were sure half-empty was the right answer, because who wouldn't rather drink just half a glass of piss?  If "glass completely drained of piss" was one of the choices, we probably would have picked that.  What we're trying to say is:

A) We've made some mistakes.
B) We're lighthearted optimists.

When we started Old Man Murray we were optimistic that outright nastiness mixed with a foul mouthed style of bitterness couldn't fail to make us a million dollars.  Each.   It turns out that was a mistake. 

Not only do we not have one million dollars, we're penniless - running this goddamn site costs us three thousand dollars a day.  Chet has been forced to fall back on his theater degree, muscular hindquarters, and pasty, corpse-like skin tone and return to the low paying world of necrophiliac porn such as the upcoming Facials of Death IV.  

While investigating pc.ign.com last week to see if they were still buying semen, we came across an interesting letter from Euro-developer Psygnosis, creators or developers of such ingenious get-rich quick schemes as the Spice Girls game and More Lemmings

The letter takes pc.ign to task for "incorrectly" reviewing Psygnosis' newest blockbuster, Drakan, which is "topping the SoftTrend charts at #2."  We haven't been able to fact check this statement but will give them the benefit of the doubt that Drakan appears on the chart and that the game sits atop it, which must, we guess, mean the chart starts with #2.

After this first sentence, there's a bunch of whiny, faggy, girly crap which we sort of skimmed.  What left an impression on us was the following two lines:

I also must agree that we can no longer provide editorial content, exclusive opportunities and review materials

does not reflect what we deemed IGN to be on the editorial caliber scale

If we had known Psygnosis was willing to purchase good reviews and positive press not at the expense of creating quality product but simply by actually purchasing them, you'd have seen a different Old Man Murray from mother-day-fucking one.    The problem is, where are we on the Psygnosis "editorial caliber scale"?  Because of all the swearing and bitter personal attacks and intimations that women's privates are filled with centipedes, we fear we may be pretty low.  Not as low as PC Accelerator, say, but low enough to cut us right out of all that sweet payola.

We're tired of being hungry and sick all the time.  From now on, we're changing our bitter ways.  We're remolding our site into a frequently updated love letter to Drakan.  We've never played the game - and probably never will - but we've heard it was number 2 on the SoftTrend chart in August. 

Here's a list of what we'd like from Psygnosis:

Editorial Content - If you could have the marketing staff come up with some jokes and funny pictures and some fresh ways of describing Seanbaby's penis as large, that would be great. 

Exclusive Opportunities - An editor at another well known gaming site to whom you sent a similar letter assures us that "exclusive opportunities" is just a euphemism for cash.  Needless to say, this is our main goal.  Please send some.

Review Materials -  These you can keep.   You've made it clear that you're "really tired of such subjective points of view."  We're afraid that actually playing any of your crappy games might taint our objectivity when it comes time for us to write our glowing review.  Maybe you can send them to East Timor where the locals can use the worthless shiny disks to reflect sunlight onto bugs which they can then eat.  Whoops, sorry Marketing Department at Psygnosis, that's the old us talking.  Dragons rule!

Please allow us to grab one corner of our hopefully in-the-mail one million dollar giant prize check and help you smother what little integrity any of us have:  If you don't respond to our new attitude within seven days by contacting us and giving us some money, we are going to make it our life's purpose to ridicule your company, your products in general, and Drakan in particular until the day we blow our brains out.  If that doesn't strike fear into the heart of your dick filled mouths, let us further state that Seanbaby, one of the Internet's premier opinion makers, will help us, because he is Erik's boyfriend. 

Anyone wishing to send Psygnosis some words of encouragement should address them to doertell@psygnosis.com.  We're sure they'd like to hear from their fans.



Pc.ign got in trouble with the militant feminists that staff Psygnosis because of their insistence that Rynn's leather jerkin busting boobs were an attempt to pander to the game's largely male audience.



Here we've created a more pc.ign friendly version of Rynn.  Note the small breasts and swooning feeling as the blood suddenly rushes back to your brain.  Under our new agreement, that crack at IGN's expense will cost Psygnosis three hundred dollars.



If, as pc.ign would have you believe, Rynn was designed with only prurient interest in mind, would Psygnosis have insisted that she be given the face of a burn victim?   Yes, she's got humongous tits and fights orcs while wearing a thong, but that's because she's living with pain.  Her skin grafts hurt like hell when covered with too much clothing.  And she's lactating, which just might explain her large breasts, asshole.  What does a single working mother have to do get over in Drakan?



This is an ad for our first Playstation game, Dance Dance Marvin coming out this October in Japan.  We've stolen a tasteful anime image of Rynn to help promote it.



Just thought we'd mention that if pc.ign had their way, we'd all be playing Drakan starring smelly Rue McClanahan.

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