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1999-05-02 Staff
Wipeout meets RC cars with violence. Fast, pretty, violent. If I ever get reliscensed to drive in Ohin, I may use this game in court next time I am in an accident.
It was not my poor driving or heavy drinking that caused the accident your honor, it was all due to Rollcage.

Ultima Online: The Second Age
1999-04-15 Staff
The day origin announced they had reached 100,000 accounts, 95,000 people looked at their credit statement and said, "Shit, I thought I cancelled that."

Skiing 99
1999-04-12 Staff
No idea, who cares. What about the female skiier, Picabo Street? (pronounced Peek-a-boo street) What in the hell kind of name is that? It is Indian. Not the 7-11 kind of Indian, but the drunken feather wearing kind. These same feather wearing, peaceniks hate Chief Wahoo.

Let's compare the two names.
First Name:
"peek-a-boo" A word you only use with children after you run out of adult words and the little freaks keep staring at you and you need a few seconds break.
"Chief" Who doesn't love to be called chief? What song do they play to honor the president? "Hail To the Chief" Everyone dreams of walking into a room and having everyone turn and say "Good morning chief".
Last Name:
"street" Is this some hint to her rough and tumble upbringing? Was her mom a hooker and didn't know who her father was except that he came from the street?
"Wahoo" The word that simply flows from your mouth when something positive happens to you. It is very similar to Homer Simpsons' Woohoo.

Using modern definitions you can either look to an American Indian hero with a translated name of "Retarded child raised by a hooker" or "Ruler over all that is good". I think the choice is obvious. Stop protesting Chief Wahoo and the Cleveland Indians, start protesting Picabo! She is ruining the American Indian's good name.

High Heat Baseball 2000
1999-04-12 Staff
Can we have a bug filled game released before opening day? The one problem, even with the bugs, this is probably the best baseball game made.

Thief The Dark Project
1999-04-08 Staff
For a game that I enjoyed at first (sort of), I just grew bored with this one. The zombie levels were too much of a relapse into standard FPS territory, and Thief doesn't work as a standard FPS. Erik wouldn't even try it because he doesn't like games anymore - again. So lacking a hard opinion, we asked the Italian cleaning guy what he thought of the box. I think this is what he said as he started reading the back of the box:

Yours heroics dark the attention of a patron earns you mysterious that it offers a fortune to you if you can recall gemstone enormous with one a rinomata reputation.

That made us laugh, so we laughed in front of him, no, we laughed at him. Erik then spent an hour trying to get him to say every Italian word for whore.

War Along the Mohawk
1999-04-03 Staff
Rarely does a game title confuse me more. Along the Mohawk? Is this maybe a river? A mountain? Or is this game similar to the game out a few years ago, bugs? In this release you are lice fighting for control of an old punks mohawk? Is there anything sadder than an old punk guy pouring himself into his leather, and prancing around at some bar filled with high school kids? Wait, I just described the TV show Happy Days. Fonzie sucked.

Bird Hunter Waterfowl Edition
1999-04-03 Staff
What other kinds of birds do people hunt? Bird Hunter Caged at the Pet Store Edition?

Rollercoaster Tycoon
1999-04-03 Staff
The game Theme Park should have been. This game leaves me with the uncomfortable feeling of wanting to gush on and on about how good it is... For $29.00 just buy the frigging thing, I promise you this, if you like any type of non war sim game, you will like this one. Try the demo, buy the game, smile. Its rare.

X-Wing Alliance
1999-04-03 Staff
Erik told me this game was good - "maybe even great ," he said - but who cares. Let's talk about the new movie.
We're all excited about the new Star Wars movie. But should we be worried? What idea has cracked in half many a sinking sitcom ship? Adding a kid. I know what you're saying: they're not adding a kid, they're simply going back into the story when Vader was young. But trust me, no one likes a smart kid. Do you remember when Webster transitioned from cute child to hideously deformed midget and they had to bring in some adorable white kid? How about Eight Is Enough when Nickalaus got older and they had to add that flying baby? Brady Bunch and the bizarre cousin? Different Strokes and the other cute white kid? And the clincher: Scrappy Doo. Who the hell liked Scrappy Doo?
If the movie is anything like sitting through one long Pepsi commercial with that stupid, stupid girl, or something like the brave, retarded kid in Simon Birch, count me out.
Another red flag should be that Lucas is financing the whole movie. That means no one is pointing out how the kid sucks. This is looking like another Blues Brother 2000. This is just my worried, paranoid, crack filled view (chet), but that doesn't mean I'm implying you're not an idiot if you don't agree with me 100%. Please keep the hate mail coming!

Extreme Tennis
1999-03-22 Staff
Not sure what makes this extreme? Maybe extremely boring tennis? Where is that fruity bald guy from the camera commercials? Does he even still play tennis?

Nascar Craftsman Truck Series Racing
1999-03-22 Staff
How do you promote an over exposed franchise like NASCAR? Harder still, how do you reach an audience that is confused by the International symbol for men's room? Maybe you could add something else they enjoy, like trucks. Sure, that's the answer you or I may have come up with, but then we're not gaming executives. Why go halfway? That's right, go all the way - whole hog. Throw in Billy Bob's favorite tool company Craftsman and you are guaranteed a hit. The box simply has a picture of a truck, a Craftsman wrench, a computer, and the words "VRoom VRoom".

1999-03-22 Staff
Sick of UO? Think you could make a quick buck building your character and selling it? Until one of these games has whores you can visit, it will simply not be real world enough for erik.

Rebuttal from erik, GED:

What the hell are you talking about? The only reason I play UO is for all the "Britishing": paying real world dollars to people for cyber-sex, then player killing them as I climax. That's the only reason anyone plays UO - all the violent sex. Jesus, man, where have you been?

Robo Rumble
1999-03-15 Staff
"The plot is based on a battlefield competition between two leading arms manufacturers. The winner will be awarded a contract from the Earth's government to supply the weaponry for an impending war with hostile Aliens."

So to recap: the end of the human race is upon us through alien invasion. The powers that be decide that instead of building every weapon we can, we should stop, hold a contest, and then only build the winner's weapons?
Oh I hear people's cries of wanting stories in every game. But may I remind you PACMAN had no real story, it just had neat graphics and a cool name. Robo Rumble does have a cool name, but they should have ditched the story. And the game.

Falcon 4.0 with Squadron Leader Special Edition Binder
1999-03-15 Staff
The binder is provided so you have a handy place to jot down all the bugs you run across.

Superbike World Championship
1999-03-15 Staff
The ONLY officially licensed Superbike World Championship simulation. I wonder if the feeling of nausea I get in cockpit mode is official? Probably. I hate real motorcycles.
It is pretty, pretty in a manly motorsports way, not pretty as in pokemon's pretty lunch, and fun. There seems to be a glut of Motorcycle games out there, but this is a standout.

South Park
1999-03-15 Staff
A 2D cartoon becomes a 3D Turkey.
Well, enough about that. While we're talking about Comedy Central, what the hell happened to The Daily Show? They had a entire episode devoted to administering a slow, deep ass kiss to Billy "fucking" Crystal. Jesus, what happened? They should shitcan the entire thing and just give Stephen Colbert (sp?) his own show.

Liberation Day
1999-03-15 Staff
Who can forget their liberation day? That day you stopped correcting your speech, lying to your mother about getting married someday, and not flying your rainbow flag. Sadly this liberation day is not even as fun as burning erik's bra.

Army Men II
1999-03-15 Staff
Did you ever play the game Bugs? It's about 5-6 years old? It had all the bugs? Remember?
It's better than this.
Is there any reason to buy this?
If plastic army men suddenly were as collectible as Beanie Babies or UO accounts, you get 2 when you purchase army men. $18.00 a man.

Heros of Might and Magic III
1999-03-15 Staff
Do you want to know how to empty out your favorite Magic Card store or Star Trek convention?
Yell HOMM3 has been released.
This geek favorite just keeps getting better, its CIV for the fantasy crowd.
Face it, some games you tell your girl you play, and some you hide. I imagine the box for this game is hidden under the mattress of many middle aged men.

Andrew Henderson's Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri
1999-03-03 Staff
I admitted this in a rant , I play Civ2 at least every other week.
I looked forward to Andrew Henderson's Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri. I talked with friends playing it, and it seemed like Andrew Henderson's Sid Meier and team had fixed the problems I tend to think slow down these games. Auto build was smart and programmable, turns did not become half hour long exercises in clicking a mouse.
I started playing. It has a slightly ugly look, and the interface is okay (terrible tutorials).
But then the problem hit.
Go ahead make fun of my childlike mind, but when offered the choice between trying to develop either Singularity Mechanics, Organic Superlubricant, or SuperString Theory, I just don't care. I dare you to tell me how these three items rank.
I like Star Trek, but I don't speak Klingon. I doubt I can remember one monster name in Quake 2 or Unreal. In Civ2 I effortlessly understand the implications of building a Nuclear bomb over building a Cathedral. I just don't want to use up what feeble brain cells I have left to memorize what "singularity" does for me.
In Sid's over-imagined world there's all kinds of bizzarre crap made up to simply further the story rather than improve the game. While playing Civ2 I intuitively know that India is filled with pansies and Mongols are evil. I don't care what the hell is up with the human hive.

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