Search for:

One Motivated Virtua Cop And His Rifle 1999-03-31 Erik
I am quoting entirely from an article describing Mr. Carneal's mad skillz in issue 25 of Adbusters.  Wacky and misguided as I am, I'm certainly not implying causality here (though the article is)- this kid was fucked up long before House Of The Dead 2 got a hold of him.  I'm just interested in how well trained he was in reflexive violent action.
"Kids who have played lots of video games often demonstrate that they can kill with remarkable accuracy in real life, even if they have never held an actual gun. 
"In 1997, in Paducah, Kentucky, 14-year old Michael Carneal stole a .22 caliber pistol and ammunition from a neighbor's locked garage, brought it to school and opened fire as a prayer group was breaking up in the school's foyer.
"He fired eight shots.  The FBI says that the average US law enforcement officer, at a distance of seven yards, hits with fewer than one bullet in five.   Michael Carneal fired eight shots at a bunch of milling, scrambling, screaming children.  He got eight hits.  Five of them were head shots...  Even more astounding was the kill ratio.  Each kid was hit once.  Three were killed; one was paralyzed for life.  Never, to my knowledge, in the annals of law enforcement or military or even criminal history can we find an equivalent achievement.
"It turned out that while the kid had never fired a pistol before stealing that gun, he'd been a video game fanatic [they seem to be talking about arcade gun games - erik]...
"The natural inclination [of, for example, a soldier in combat] is to fire a burst of shots at each target until it drops.  [The skills developed in games] teach you that in order to win the game, you have to hurriedly go on to the next target.  You can't wait for this one to drop.  When Michael Carneal was shooting, he fired one shot at each kid.
"All the witnesses say he held the gun in two hands.  He had a blank look on his face.  He never moved his feet.  He never fired far to the right or the left or up or down.  He simply fired one shot at everything that popped on his screen."

Welcome To The Whorehouse 1999-03-31 Erik
Gamespot has hired us to write a column.
We were contacted in early March by the editors of Gamespot and asked to produce what may become a monthly column.  We wanted to think that, after thriving for so long on the fringes of even amateur game commentary, we'd be immune to the lure of big money and fame.  We were wrong; we sold out faster than Ex-Lax at a pants crapping contest.  If it's any consolation, the editors at Gamespot apparently didn't realize exactly what they were getting into.  I can trace the erosion of their initial enthusiasm to the delivery of the first draft of our column entitled  Computer Gaming World - Fag Planet?
Our editor, Greg Kasavin, was friendly, but firm, in his rejection of our work.  He told us that he had two basic problems with the piece, the first being that it is a Gamespot policy to avoid direct attacks on other magazines, especially sister publications owned by the same company.  His second and bigger problem was the whole fag part.  He felt it was irrelevant at best and probably virulently homophobic.  We accepted his criticism without really reading it carefully, and, as lucid as his instructions seem in retrospect, our enthusiasm for the work got the better of us, mistakes were made, and two days later we delivered our second draft:  Next Generation Is Staffed Entirely By Queers. 
Greg's reaction, like America's response to tyranny in the Balkans, was swift and decisive.  He resent us his rejection of our first column, adding only some underlines and swear words.  Then he read it to us on the phone.
Chet was confused and dispirited and bowed out of the entire project.  I felt I finally had a good grasp of what was expected and spent the next two weeks crafting, revising, and polishing the article I finally delivered:  The Holocaust: It Never Happened.  Susprisingly, even though I had spent several nights of feverish activity removing all references to both PC Gamer and Tom Cruise from the piece, Greg was consumed with a passionate anger that he expressed in a series of biting emails and phone conversations.  I assured him that the fourth time would be the charm and that he didn't have to worry and that Chet was back on the team, but his disgust was intractable.  I'm not sure who actually wrote the column, but we signed our name to it, and cashed the check, and we'd like to thank Greg for all his hard work and for that brief period of support near the beginning.
So what does this all mean for the Old Man and our content?  Well, certainly you won't see us calling Gamespot employees whores anymore.  Even if it wasn't explicitly stated in our contract, we wouldn't do it.  That's about it.  Also, we can't say anything negative about any company that advertises in a Ziff Davis publication.   Greg says he's going to send us that list soon.  Other than that, and the fact that ZD now owns both the Marvin Runyon and John Romero characters,  you have our guarantee that nothing here will change

Passion Of Christ, Tasteful Nudity Inspire Autistic Superhero Creator 1999-03-30 Erik
Thanks to the authors of Penny Arcade, Gabriel and Tycho Brahe.  We haven't gotten along so well in the past, but this tip may do for our relationship what years of counseling could not.
Do you consider yourself creative?  I did - I've got the stupid beard and the clit piercing to prove it.  Guess what, we're amateurs at best and probably just idiots.  There is a man called James H Vipond who spins gold from some seriously misfiring synapses.  Go read his page and start your new life.  If you're reading this sentence, that means you haven't left to visit Mr. Vipond's site.  Would it help if I told you that the very, very sexy SeanBaby is currently developing a fan page devoted to James H Vipond's body of work?  And that he's wearing either extremely sexy or no underpants? 

Acclaim Gets Ugly 1999-03-29 Chet
Saw this on Acclaim's Web Site.
With Joe "I got cancer to motivate my team" Torre absent from the Yankees spring training, Acclaim turned to bench coach Don Zimmer to do TV and Print Ads for the upcoming release of Baseball 2000.   While Torre is no beaut, Zimmer is arguably the ugliest man in all of sports.  
Zimmer on Torre's Cancer,
It's terrible, we thought Jeter breaking up with Mariah Carey would have motivated the team, but it didn't seem to move them.  Joe stepped right in and offered to get cancer.  During the post season this year I plan to contribute by choking on some unchewed food.
Zimmer on Being a Bench Coach.
I choose where we eat at night, and during the game when Torre says things like "That was a bad call", I respond with, "Yeah, that sure was a bad call".

Boo! now get out of here!

Men Masturbate To The Darndest JPEGS Of Kids 1999-03-28 Staff
Sometimes we yearn for the days when people just wanted nude pictures of old men.
First, sorry for the lack of updates. Erik and Chet have been in NYC for the Live at The Apollo, Soul Train Awards.  There was a slight mix up: we thought we were going to be presenters and the Soul Train people thought erik was an African American R&B singer called Mister Man.  There may be similar ugliness with our invites to the Hype Hair For Black Teens Presents The New Millenium Ebony Achievement Awards cermemony next month. 
Speaking of mix ups, we'd like make you aware of how some of our fellow travellers are finding their way to this page.
First up is the always popular MetaCrawler search for Nude Kid Contest.  Note that we are sitting comfortably in the number six spot, just barely edging out We Jerk Off but coming in way ahead of Free Anal And Fisting Pics.
Next we have the misunderstood segment of the population interested in using Yahoo to seek out information on sons and sex, where we rank a pretty respectable ten, beating out both My Sons Teacher Takes Her Tits Out In Class And Lets All The Boys Suck Them During Sex Ed and Newsweek.
Did you ever wonder what a monkey looks like naked?  Well let's just say you're not alone.  The nice people that operate Alta Vista have decided that we are the world's fourth most prominent  resource for people searching for monkey penis.
Is there anything sexier than Pokemon?  If Pokemon nude comes to mind, then, according to Yahoo, you should feel right at home here.   Many visitors have arrived at this very page while trying to combine their favorite hobbies: pokemon husbandry and having sex with children.
Finally, we'd like to extend a cigar chomping, camouflage thong wearing welcome to those of you reading this sentence after using your new computers to seek out Commando Sex.   Sorry to report, sir, we don't carry butt plugs.  Might we interest you in a gently worn copy of Shogo?  It's too big to fit up even a burly commando's butt, but it does stink like crap.  Oh wait, erik does have a butt plug for sale.

Monolith - Day 150 And Waiting 1999-03-25 Chet
Tested a company, and guess what?  They lied.
You are a small company.  You have a game that you are about to ship to retail stores.  You publicly state that you are more concerned about the single play aspect of the game then you are the multiplayer.   You find out there is a show stopper bug.  A trigger in the AI has been switched to make the AI not react.  You decide to ship anyway.
You promise a patch that will fix the AI, but in the meantime (before they will release the patch with the AI fix), why don't you buy our other game that has just been released?   Never mind that it is shipping with the same faulty network code, the AI is built on a different system than our first game, so it is fine (hehe, yeah).
There is an outcry from the online community.  "People without Internet access will be screwed, they will be buying a game that was shipped to retailers with a known bug."  How do you handle this?  Why of course you promise that if a gamer buys the game, fills out the registration card, and it is noted they do not have Internet access, they will be sent the patch.  Good answer.  That will quiet the Internet community and fool them into buying your second release.
One problem.  I had a friend send in a registration card that very prominently said he did not have Internet access and wondered if there were any patches available...   It has been 150 days.  No CD.  No patch.
Who could be so evil?  Activision?  EA?  Nope. Small time developer Monolith.  They have beaten it into our heads that we should give them a break because they are the small guys.  Well what about giving a shit then?  I cannot think of a time that another game company publicly stated they would ship a patch CD and then did not.  Hell, Activision shipped the SIN patch if you asked, even if you had Internet access.
Blood2, the Blood2 addon, and Shogo combined are smaller than Half-Life. 
Now they have a new game called Sanity coming out.  Let me give you the review now:  Lousy AI, the entire game can be played in 12 hours.  I dare you, think of a monolith game that does not fit that description.  Oh, I forgot, it's okay that they are fucking you over, they are a small company...

New 3DO Executive Has Truly Unfortunate Name 1999-03-24 Erik
This should definitively answer those of you wondering whether we're above this sort of thing.
3DO has issued a press release in which they proudly announce the purchase of a new Vice President of Sales called Robert Gayman.  They go on to involve his riotous surname in a large number of randy, Three's Company style sentence mix-ups such as describing him as "the console-savvy Gayman."  We'd like to offer this suggestion for 3DO's next press release: Gayman Likes Army Men.  Or possibly Gayman Not Interested In Varginha Incident. Or simply Gayman To Wed Keanu Reeves.
Trip Hawkins describes Gayman as "a proven executive" the implication being that he was beaten up pretty regularly as a child, though not quite as much as his brother Richard.  Industry analysts are applauding the move as a way to redirect the actionable, sexually explicit comments of high ranking 3DO officials towards Gayman's fluorescent orange target of a name and away from female employees breasts.  Industry analysts also noted that their job title includes the word anal, and thought that was pretty funny and suggested one more 3DO press release:  Gayman Is Game Industry's Most Enthusiastic Analist.

Kingpin Demo Released, Motherfucker 1999-03-22 Erik
Finally I get to gun down blacks, Italians, and the homeless.   Actually, so far I've only been able to beat them to death with a pipe.
Xatrix's long awaited Kingpin demo was released this morning.  We'd link to some download sites, but why bother - they're all busy.  Maybe you should just go back to work.  We managed to get it and let's just say that those of you offended by the American Heritage Talking Dictionary should probably give this one a miss.  It swears - loud and often.  Other than the swearing, the big standouts for us are the amazing character design and the incredibly annoying way I can beat a shotgun wielding thug to death with my pipe and not get to take his gun. Xatrix: wat up wit dat, bitch?  I also want to mention that I've officially added GED to my name so that everyone is fully aware of my status as a recipient of what is, in a legal sense, the equivalent of a high school diploma. 

Westwood Sends 20 People To Hell 1999-03-21 Chet
Saw this as a Westwood press releases
On March 27th and 28th, at Club-I™, a cyber café in San Francisco, Westwood will force 20 unlucky souls to play Lands of Lore III until one of them finishes the game. It's expected to take 24 hours or more, and that half the participants will attempt suicide by the third hour.  Hoping to coax at least one gamer through this harrowing ordeal, game cubicles will be outfitted with a full complement of grief counselors and at least one plus-size model to make fat people feel good about themselves.  For its part, Westwood promises that the 3rd installment of the series will be three years behind the graphics technology curve which is, according to a press release, "Two full years ahead of our normal five year deficit."

G.O.D. Games Impressed That Email Works 1999-03-21 Chet
Saw this in a G.O.D. Games Press Release
G.O.D. games (who isn't sick of these pinkos?) has issued a press release excitedly talking about how their last press release was warmly received by the whoring game press.  In a related note, the Internet is alive with talk of OldManMurray.com.  Just check any of my posts in the comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action newsgroup or this post about Joey Cora - we're getting mentions in the sports press!  I put our site's URL after every message!  In another related story, OldManMurray is now #47 when searching for keyword "upskirt" on Alta Vista.  Amazingly, we've overtaken "Upskirt Video For Sale."  An official press release is forthcoming.

<-Previous Page       Next Page->

Hosting Provided by POEHosting.com
Copyright 1997-2003 Oldmanmurray.com