Hello and I'm
sorry. Hello and I'm sorry to everyone I've let down and to all the people I've yet
to meet and then let down. If it means anything, these last three weeks have brought
me much closer to my ultimate goal of being accepted into the government's elite SSI total
disability program. I've paid taxes for a number of years now, and I think it's high
time I reap some of the benefits of my brief period of productive citizenship back in the
90's. I've always been pretty antsy about going outside, but two and a half weeks
ago my brain manufactured a Todd McFarlane-esque detailed miniature version of this larger
problem by convincing me that I should also be afraid to go upstairs. That left the
kitchen, the bathroom, the coat and broom closet, the bedroom, and the room with the old
TV available for use, but restricted my access to the second floor, which contains my
computer and the big television attached to the Nintendo, the Playstation, and the
Dreamcast. I feel better now. But I'm sorry that I've missed a few updates.
I know that within the game community, I'm viewed as a crusader - of
might and magic but for justice. I realize that I'm often perceived
to be quick to anger, difficult to like, hard to kill, under siege, on deadly ground,
under siege 2, and the glimmer man. It's a responsibility that I take
seriously. So I understand it when hundreds of you send me vile, angry letters every
time I disappear for weeks at a time. However, understanding is not an
excuse. All I can say is that - assuming all of you manage to come to my house and
then also manage to enter one of the parts of my house that's safe to me on that day -
you're all dead, like Bruce Willis during the last ninety minutes of the Sixth
Sense. I didn't mark that as a spoiler because I'm fucking crazy. And if any
of you gets a phone call from the Ohio Disability Determination Services, I'd appreciate
it if you mentioned that fact. Feel free to point out to them the death threats I
often make and don't forget about the frequent and shameless Sixth Sense spoilers.
If you need some prefabricated descriptions of what a deranged murderous nigga I am, you
can get some good ones from rap. Change the words around so it doesn't rhyme,
though. Because that might tip off the DDS caseworker that you're just stealing your
testimony from rap. With the government's finacial help and your continued support
of our benefit claims, we might just make it through this Internet implosion in one piece.
On the other hand, if we updated every day, we might end up having to print
some things like this story about Majestic
on IGN. Everything I know about being a man I've
learned from IGN For Men, which is IGN's version of Celebrity Sleuth, only without all the
nudity. In fact, just before my recent breakdown, one of their editorials convinced
me that I'd sure like to screw that Jennifer Love Hewitt. So I hate to say anything
bad about them. But if I don't, who will? Certainly not me.
is an upcoming game published by Electronic Arts that appears to be a mix of a därk email
client and David Fincher's The Game, sort of an American McGee's Outlook. A few days
ago, there was a public demo of it at a conference called DEMO 2001 in Phoenix. The IGN story's strapline promises lots of
Revealed to a stunned crowed [sic] at
DEMO 2001, Majestic makes a big impression.
The article then proceeds to not mention anything about
the actual demonstration. Nothing. Not one word about what was shown, or any
specific reactions to it. There's a recap of some previously available information
and some enthusiastic quotes by a few people who attended the rumored demonstration but
who also have a financial interest in saying nice things about Majestic - such as EA VP of
production Neil Young. The closest IGN gets to mentioning what happened or what the
game looks like is in this sentence from the first paragraph:
the word on the street is an astounding
With these nine perfectly chosen words, someone at IGN has finally crafted
the ultimate, empty fucking kiss ass preview. Expect to see this string of words a
lot, as it's about to become an enduring OMM catchphrase. Note to the person at IGN
who actually gets paid a salary to worry about these things: I'm not a professional
editor, but "wow" isn't especially astounding. I even opened up Notepad
and typed "wow" in all caps, but that only made the word mildly intriguing, and
that's only because "W" looks sort of like Lara
Croft's tits, which kind of remind me of tits, which reminds me that, thanks to some
compelling arguments on IGN for Men, I'd like to wax Charlize Theron's ass. Maybe
"astounded" would have been a better choice.
Today, I discovered this
account of the Majestic demo on C-Net news:
The team from EA.com had it even worse. As the presenter
began his demo of "Majestic," a suspense thriller that allows people to interact
via chat, e-mail, voice mail, fax and the Web, everything just blew up.
The presenter, an executive vice president named Neil Young (no, not that Neil
Young) was fast on his feet and talked his way around the glitch for a few minutes until
the system could be resuscitated. Then the system blew up again...
Which may explain why the IGN piece contained so little information.