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12 Days of Christmas, Complaints About Return To Wolfenstein 2001-11-26 Erik
Day 1 - The Boss Monster.

According to Dr. George Gallup's 1956 Pocket Almanac of Facts, "Germany, Federal Republic of" has a population of 47,695,672, and its main exports are pig iron and yarn. 

That's the latest solid piece of information I can find about Germany.   Though there was a brief "Germany craze" during the 30s and 40s - thanks to Adolf Hitler's rise to power and the massive jet-fueled knuckle sandwich we subsequently dealt him - once the Nazis were gone, people lost interest pretty quickly.   What's Germany like today?  Do its tiny, chattering brown natives still make a lot of yarn?  Nobody knows.  But, luckily, nobody cares.  Without Nazis, Germany has absolutely no export that might possibly be of interest to anyone.

The one piece of news that did emerge from Germany back in the late nineties is that, evidently, the German government has forbidden the use of Nazis in games. It's tough to decide what's worse: being the country that invented and then decided to actually try out Naziism, or being the country that prohibited the best video game villains ever.  It's a tie, I guess. 

I wish we lived in a world where all games were required to include Nazis.  Though, now that I think about it, I'm describing a world where Germany won World War 2, such as the one portrayed in every novel, play, tv show, and movie about time travel.  So let me qualify that:  I want to live in a country that prohibits games that feature any type of enemy other than Nazis.  Soldiers, robots, dogs  - anything goes as long as they're Nazis or, in the case of dogs, German Shepherds.  And this is exactly the type of harebrained law a few hundred thousand dollars can buy you in Charles Taylor's Liberia.  So it's not just a crazy dream.  If we take up a collection, we could probably get this legislation passed and still have enough left over to save Something Awful during its next Fred Sanford-esque "big one".

The law will also state that any game featuring Nazis - which is every game in my proposed Israel for gamers, Liberia - should have Hitler as the final boss.   Because, seriously, making a game about Nazis and not having you somehow fight Hitler - whether he lives in a robot suit or flies around in a jet or maybe he's an armored dracula now or whatever - is retarded.  If a game doesn't let you fight some form of Hitler - for instance, a giant Hitler - then that game will receive a warning sticker, in much the same way that the U.S. Goverment currently requires awful games to display on their box the universally understood symbol for unnacceptable quality, "Anne McCaffrey's".

With that out of the way, here's a picture of Return To Castle Wolfenstein's final boss and a nice painting of Hitler and a promotional photo of the best reason for a strictly religious mother to let her kids get Halloween out of their systems early, Rob Zombie:

Adolf Hitler

Now, I'm not a big man.  In fact, I'm a small man attached to a big man's penis.  But small as I am, even I'm not afraid of Rob Zombie.  I guess someone over at Gray Matter confused being dirty with being scary.  Believe me, dreadlocks and a sleestack helmet don't make you the Predator.

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