Search for:

I'm Back. Period. 2001-03-12 Marvin
Again. Another period.
Now that I'm back from my recent fact-finding mission (which I'll be discussing tomorrow), I decided to catch up on all the idiot developers' idiotic .plan files.  The first one I read was today's update from Brandon Reinhart.  That's also the last one I read, because I can't take it anymore.  Here's how it starts:

I haven't cried watching anime since "The Wings of Honneamise" (which I thought was a particularly powerful space-epic). I cried last night when I watched Ryoko die at the end of Tenchi Universe.

Here's some advice, straight outta Compton of the future: if you ever decide to take a break from cartoons, make sure you don't watch anything on the Lifetime Network, because if this ridiculous anime shit makes you cry, you're gonna have to go on Zoloft to recover from Steel Magnolias.  I think a better nickname for you than "GreenMarine" would be Brandon "Boo Hoo I'm A Fuck'n Sissy" Reinhart.   If you still want that military feel, you could try Brandon "Boo Hoo I'm A Fuck'n Sissy.  And I'm In The Army" Reinhart.  Since you like to cry so much, I'm really going to give you something to cry about.

For the last several months, I've been touring the United States of America, or as we in the future call it, France.  BOO!  Scared you, didn't I?  You caveman fucking half-wits.  France, in fact, will eventually be owned by Burundi, though it'll still be called France, though it'll be where Burundi is now.  And if you think that's something, the good news is there's gonna be some other stuff that's one thousand times better.  The other good news is that you'll all be dead before any of it happens.  So it's a win-win situation for the people of the future. 

Even more good news is that scientists of the future finally and conclusively debunk religion.  This leads to the sort of bad news that people are basically self-aware squirrels, that when you die, you're dead for good, and that life is, in fact, as bleak and meaningless as you may have read about in any of your unauthorized biographies of your Trent Reznor.  For a brief time, this makes the "soylent green is people" people seem like a heartwarming episode of  Touched By An Angel.  It also finally causes the cancellation of fucking Touched By An Angel.  

Luckily, a few weeks later, scientists invent a soul made out of hydrogen, fetal tissue, and moon rocks.  Even cooler, it's also a submarine.  A few weeks after that, scientists invent books that write themselves and then go ahead and read themselves, which finally gets rid of that problem too.  

Again, this all happens long after you're dead.  I'm talking to you, Brandon, and this is no joke or something I saw on HBO2. 

Look down.  You should either see a flabby gut or a sunken chest.   Or, if you're a really horrific example of today's motionless web professional, both.  Take a long look.  You know what that is?  It's an organic time bomb and it's connected to your head.  When it blows, it's gonna kill you in a way so painful and embarrassing that the end of that cartoon will seem positively jolly.   And there's nothing you can do about it.  You hear it ticking, Brandon?   Tick...  Tick... Tick... Blue wire... No, RED WIRE!  BANG! Cancer of the pancreas.  Note to scientists: That blue wire / red wire thing is something I saw on HBO2 and not a subtle clue as to how to build a soul. 

Sometimes in the future, we sail around in our submarines and, through the periscope, watch the Sixth Sense projected on a giant screen in orbit near where the moon used to be.  At the part where it turns out Bruce Willis is actually dead, but is somehow still a sentient being, we all have a good laugh at your expense.  So happy monday, Brandon.  And that goes for the rest of you weepy primates too.

One more thing: Do you remember Marvin Sedate?  If not, read this.  To celebrate my return, some fans have resurrected it here.   Neither I nor either of the two idiots had anything to do with it, but I support it.  I've been informed that the URL may change, so don't bookmark it yet.  Or go ahead.  In fact, do whatever you want.  Because none of it's gonna make any goddamn difference in the end

Hosting Provided by POEHosting.com
Copyright 1997-2003 Oldmanmurray.com