Marvin here. After spending a few days monitoring Erik's faggy
television viewing habits, I've spent the last several months trying to convince the
Corporation for Public Broadcasting to secure funding for a spinoff of Antiques
Roadshow to be called Marvin's Babies Roadshow in which people
bring me babies and I tell them how much I think I could get for them on the open
market. For instance, I might wave my finger in front of one's face and say
something like "well it's able to follow a moving object with its eyes, which is
good, but I'm afraid it's not white, and that's really going to hurt its value at
auction." And before any of you idiots gets angry and calls primate security
like the people at PBS did, let me say that I didn't make your sick fucking baby grading
rules, I just react to them. I'm from the future, and from where I'm sitting, it's
hard to differentiate any of you gibbering gorillas, regardless of skin color or
prominence of yarmulke, from the hamsters we hear you all had jammed up your filthy
rectums. But that's not what I'm here to talk about today.
As usual, while I was gone, the site went to what we in the future call
the past, or as you superstitious cavemen might know it, Hell!
Boo! You fucking chimps. Anyway, the site went weeks without
updates, there was open war in the forums, and, of course, there's everything Erik
touched, such as the day he simply posted things he'd heard on the television.
I can't guarantee I'm always going to be around to monitor things, so I
decided to institute a Technical Advisory Board to help keep the site running in my
absence. I asked John Carmack to be on it, since he appears to be what passes for a
genius in your time and since he also appears to have never met a Technical Advisory Board
he won't join, but he turned me down. "No hard feelings," I told him,
"because I just remembered that you're going to get lupus."
A branch of science capable of measuring the vast gulf between the
relative intelligence of your Carmack and my me won't even be developed for six more
decades, so it occurred to me that I might as well just build my own, better John Carmack.
Note to John Carmack: In my spare time.
After realizing that all I really need is something to bark orders at the
two idiots when I'm not available to do it, I decided to just rebuild John Carmack's head
and forget about the parts that move the head around. To make a long story short, it
wasn't very hard. Erik asked if he could watch me work and document the
process. I figured it couldn't hurt, so here's Erik's report:
Hello NSF representitives and esteemed members of
Congress. I have discovered how to create a supersmart human head.
First take evolution.
Then invent the True Temper Jet Rocket Axe and hit evolution with
Next I think you do this. Don't forget the math.
Great. For various technical reasons, the final product looks like
I call it the Carmack Automated Mouth. It's now an official member
of the OMM team and the head of our Technical Advisory Board. As a test, I asked it
to create its own version of the John Romero
anti-drug ad (43k) that apparently caused such a stir a few weeks back. Because
I didn't want to put too much pressure on the untested machine, I asked it to simply
provide the kids with an alternative to the humorist's best friend, crack. It's a
testament to the few kinks I have left to work out that the Carmack Automated Mouth chose
as its alternative to crack the metha-amphetamine derivative crank, before shorting out
entirely. I should have it up and running again in perfect order by the end of the
week. In the meantime, here's a recording
of the Carmack Automated Mouth's first anti-drug spot.
An Urgent Message From
The Carmack Automated Mouth! (144k)