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The Carmack Automated Mouth
2000-07-19 Marvin

Marvin here.   After spending a few days monitoring Erik's faggy television viewing habits, I've spent the last several months trying to convince the Corporation for Public Broadcasting to secure funding for a spinoff of Antiques Roadshow to be called Marvin's Babies Roadshow in which people bring me babies and I tell them how much I think I could get for them on the open market.  For instance, I might wave my finger in front of one's face and say something like "well it's able to follow a moving object with its eyes, which is good, but I'm afraid it's not white, and that's really going to hurt its value at auction."  And before any of you idiots gets angry and calls primate security like the people at PBS did, let me say that I didn't make your sick fucking baby grading rules, I just react to them.  I'm from the future, and from where I'm sitting, it's hard to differentiate any of you gibbering gorillas, regardless of skin color or prominence of yarmulke, from the hamsters we hear you all had jammed up your filthy rectums.  But that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

As usual, while I was gone, the site went to what we in the future call the past, or as you superstitious cavemen might know it, Hell!   Boo!  You fucking chimps.   Anyway, the site went weeks without updates, there was open war in the forums, and, of course, there's everything Erik touched, such as the day he simply posted things he'd heard on the television.   Enough already. 

I can't guarantee I'm always going to be around to monitor things, so I decided to institute a Technical Advisory Board to help keep the site running in my absence.  I asked John Carmack to be on it, since he appears to be what passes for a genius in your time and since he also appears to have never met a Technical Advisory Board he won't join, but he turned me down.  "No hard feelings," I told him, "because I just remembered that you're going to get lupus." 

A branch of science capable of measuring the vast gulf between the relative intelligence of your Carmack and my me won't even be developed for six more decades, so it occurred to me that I might as well just build my own, better John Carmack.   Note to John Carmack: In my spare time

After realizing that all I really need is something to bark orders at the two idiots when I'm not available to do it, I decided to just rebuild John Carmack's head and forget about the parts that move the head around.  To make a long story short, it wasn't very hard.  Erik asked if he could watch me work and document the process.  I figured it couldn't hurt, so here's Erik's report:

Hello NSF representitives and esteemed members of Congress.  I have discovered how to create a supersmart human head.

First take evolution.

Then invent the True Temper Jet Rocket Axe and hit evolution with it.

Next I think you do this.  Don't forget the math.

Great.  For various technical reasons, the final product looks like this:

I call it the Carmack Automated Mouth.  It's now an official member of the OMM team and the head of our Technical Advisory Board.  As a test, I asked it to create its own version of the John Romero anti-drug ad (43k) that apparently caused such a stir a few weeks back.  Because I didn't want to put too much pressure on the untested machine, I asked it to simply provide the kids with an alternative to the humorist's best friend, crack.  It's a testament to the few kinks I have left to work out that the Carmack Automated Mouth chose as its alternative to crack the metha-amphetamine derivative crank, before shorting out entirely.  I should have it up and running again in perfect order by the end of the week.  In the meantime, here's a recording of the Carmack Automated Mouth's first anti-drug spot.

An Urgent Message From The Carmack Automated Mouth! (144k)


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