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Cratemaster Compatibility Test & Final Release
2000-06-27 Staff

CrateMaster Compatibility Test And Final Release
Note to webmasters: While we'll gaily prance around words, we won't mince them: link to this page and not directly to the file

A few months ago, the owner/operator of Longbow Digital Arts, Sir James McNally, sent us a few copies of the company's newest release, Tread Marks.  I investigated the official site and uncovered the very suspicious fact that Longbow is entirely staffed by McNally's relatives.  This makes him the Scottish/Canadian Tony DeFranco of programming, the staff the DeFranco family of staffs, and Longbow Digital Arts the Tony DeFranco and the DeFranco Family of gaming.  I naturally assumed that Tread Marks was the "Heartbeat, It's a Lovebeat" of tank racing games, and promptly but carefully placed it high atop the teetering pile of crap we call Mount Ignore.  A few minutes later, I forgot all about McNally, his family, and their stupid tank game.  "It's not my problem," I said while I made exaggerated hand wiping motions.  And that was that.

Or so I thought.  Like everyone else, I downloaded Napster so that I wouldn't ever have to pay The Man for my jams again.  After making impressive inroads into acquiring every copyrighted piece of music ever created by anyone, I realized that I now owned the entire Tony DeFranco and The DeFranco Family catalog, including Heartbeat, It's a Lovebeat.  I listened to it, and was delighted by its infectious pop grooves.   "If I was wrong about this, could I be wrong about Tread Marks too?" I asked my reflection as I made muscles in front of the mirror.  Then I noticed my foot, and I started looking at that and forgot about Tread Marks.

This way to the gas chamber, retardeds!Later, I read an interview with the lovely and scary Anna Kang in which she raved about Tread Marks.  I wondered again whether I might have been wrong about the game.  Then I noticed that Kang's new company is called Fountainhead Entertainment, which made me think about Ayn Rand.  "Who the hell does Anna Kang think will take care of the retardeds in an objectivist universe?" I wondered.   "They'll be put to death!" I screeched using the high-pitched girl imitation I've been working on.  It's easy to be smug when you're such a buff natural genius like John Carmack or Anna Kang or any one of their inner-circle other than Paul Steed.  But what about the fucking idiots of the world?  And what about the lazy fucking idiots, like me?  Where do we fit in to Ayna Kang's master plan?  For the secret answer, hover your mouse over the picture of Ayna Rand above.  Amid all the confused outrage, the first thing to scale Mount Ignore was common sense, closely followed by my rekindled interest in Tread Marks.

McNally must have wondered why we never acknowledged the giant box of games he sent us or any of the follow-up emails he sent asking if we'd received the box.  Anyway, cutting to the happy ending, he eventually wised up and managed to get our attention by writing a game specifically for us.  It's called CrateMaster.  And although clan McNally originally had some plans to market it, we've decided to give it away for free.  No need to thank us, it's our nature.  We're the only website that really likes you, and Longbow Digital Arts is the only game company that gives a poopy rat's ass about you either. 

In an unprecedented move, the version of CrateMaster we're giving away is both a compatibility test and the final build.  In other words, if it doesn't work, tough.   We're currently engaged in a heated contest with Longbow for the coveted title of "Who Cares Least About Your Problems With CrateMaster".

We did eventually get around to playing Tread Marks.   It's no CrateMaster, but it's pretty good.  Not that if you like combat tank racing games, you have a lot of choices anyway.  But still, it's an underground sensation: a fun, solid game made by the biggest little name in non-Croatian gaming: clan McNally.


Classic-Feel™ Insert Coin Screen!
  Bottomless virtual magical coin pocket included.

Streamlined Tetris-Style Action!
  Easy for kids from six to sixty-six!  No complicated shapes.

Bloodless Theme Will Not Inspire Teens to Massacre Peers!
  As with all no-massacre guarantees, your mileage may vary.

  Forthcoming patch will add pallets.

Mouseless Play!
  No extra peripherals needed.

Unobtrusive HUD! 
  Every level cleared is counted on-screen. No more wondering what level you're on!

No Bothersome Pause Button!
  No more accidentally-stopped play.  Get in the zone and stay there, CrateMaster!

No Hi-Score Save! 
  Every day is a new opportunity to forget the past!

Single Player Only!
  MPlayer will fuck up your computer permanently!  It's true.  It happened to Chet.

Difficulty Increases As Game Progresses!
  "Can't stand the heat?  Get out of the crate and go to Hell!"

Computer or above
Sound card

Wireless Keyboard

Actual Screen Shot!

To celebrate Longbow's latest release, we're holding a contest.  It's an old-fashioned "send us your High Score screenshot or doctored High Score screenshot and win" tournament.   Since everyone has a warezed copy of Photoshop, we're sure this will quickly become a game of liar's poker.  What is the high score limit?  Can you really get 999,999,999?   What level would give you what high score?  Only we know the answers, because we made the rules.

Here are some examples to get you started:


Still Wrong, But Better!

Send your screenshot to contest@oldmanmurray.com

Two winners will receive a copy of Tread Marks.  To share.  We're kidding - LOL!  Each of you bloodsuckers will get your own copy of Tread Marks.  For more information about Tread Marks, download the demo.

Download CrateMaster:

Download: CrateMaster.exe *Only 472k!  250X smaller than the Deus Ex Demo!

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