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Death of Adventure Games
2000-09-11 Erik Page 1 Page 2 Page 3


Did you read all of that?  If not, good for you!  Dumb as your television enjoying ass  probably is, you're smarter than the genius adventure gamers who, in a truly inappropriate display of autism-level concentration, willingly played the birdbrained events described in that passage.  For those of you clever enough to have skipped the walkthru, permit me to summarize:

  • Gabriel Knight must disguise himself as a man called Mosley in order to fool a French moped rental clerk into renting him the shop's only motorcycle.

  • In order to construct the costume, Gabriel Knight must manufacture a fake moustache.  Utilizing the style of logic adventure game creators share with morons, Knight must do this even though Moseley does not have a moustache.

  • So in order to even begin formulating your strategy, you have to follow daredevil of logic Jane Jensen as she pilots Gabriel Knight 3 right over common sense, like Evel Knievel jumping Snake River Canyon.  Maybe Jane Jensen was too busy reading difficult books by Pär Lagerkvist to catch what stupid Quake players learned from watching the A-Team:  The first step in making a costume to fool people into thinking you're a man without a moustache, is not to construct a fake moustache.

  • Still, you might think that you could yank some hair from one of the many places it grows out of your own body and attach it to your lip with the masking tape in your inventory.  But obviously, Ms. Jensen felt that an insane puzzle deserved a genuinely deranged solution.  In order to manufacture the moustache, you must attach the masking tape to a hole at the base of a toolshed then chase a cat through the hole.   In the real world, such as the one that stupid people like me and Adrian Carmack use to store our televisions, this would result in a piece of masking tape with a few cat hairs stuck to it, or a cat running around with tape on its back.  Apparently, in Jane Jensen's exciting, imaginative world of books, masking tape is some kind of powerful neodymium supermagnet for cat hair. 

  • Remember how shocked you were at the end of the Sixth Sense when it turned out Bruce Willis was a robot?  Well, check this out:  At the end of this puzzle, you have to affix the improbable cat hair moustache to your lip with maple syrup!  Someone ought to give Jane Jensen a motion picture deal and also someone should CAT scan her brain.

Who killed Adventure Games?  I think it should be pretty clear at this point that Adventure Games committed suicide.

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