|Mortyr isn't the
worst game ever made, it just seems that way while you're "playing" it.
Maybe that isn't clear enough: Don't buy Mortyr. If someone offers to give it to you
for free, it's a trick and you should run. To put things in perspective: As
released, S.I.N. was a huge ripoff due to an amazingly thorough set of game-killing
bugs. But later, at a bargain-bin price and after a few heroic patches, S.I.N. got a
little itty bitty bit better. This same thing is not going to happen to Mortyr,
because its awfulness runs deeper than just bugs. Instead of following the industry
standard of half-creating a game then releasing it with a bunch of crippling errors, the
visionaries at Mirage Media have made Mortyr one giant, non-specific bug. If you see
Mortyr running on your PC, you should consider your system crashed on general principle -
as designed, the entire package is misguided and bad.
Mortyr has the nuttiest, most convoluted story to ever grace a game that doesn't need a
plot anyway. Oh yeah, this doesn't include any game designed by the Japanese, who,
oddly enough, were teamed up with the Nazis in World War 2. The creators of Mortyr,
Mirage Media, are based in Poland. Schools in Europe have something like 27 grades
before you can graduate and all the grades have names instead of numbers such as
"grade auferlaben" and some of the grades lead back to previous grades or
dismissal from school entirely. Nobody understands it, and that's why there's always
so much trouble over there. The point is, maybe the Poles don't have the basic
education structure we have. In the USA, we're taught in the second grade that if
you ever invent time travel, there is clearly one prime directive: Go back in time
and kill Hitler, for chrissake. Instead of using this sure-fire plot, I swear to God
that Mortyr sends you into the past to kill the loveable Albert Einstein. I think. Not
much of the game makes any sense. This much I do know: Mortyr involves time travel and
fighting Krauts, yet your objective is not to kill Adolf Hitler!
Since the game wasn't very clear as to why, exactly, I was travelling in time to Nazi
Germany, I was forced to invent my own goals. My first priority was to find and then
blow up whatever was creating the roaring white noise blaring out of my headphones.
Mortyr's ambient soundscape is composed of loud static over which you can sometimes just
barely hear Nazis shouting at each other. The hidden white-noise making machine is
the game's cruelest adversary. Sometimes, it'll shut itself off for some reason,
granting you a little relief. But this is a trick, because it will soon start up
again and the torture will be worse for the brief period of quiet. Here's a spoiler:
You never do find Jerry's noise-maker. In lieu of direct revenge, I suggest cracking
the Mortyr CD in half. Maybe the screaming hiss is the soundtrack. For all I
know, this is what passes for Techno in Polish Discos.
To get back to the official plot, you're going to the past because the World War 2 era
Nazis went into the future and grabbed an "artifact" to help them defeat the
Allies. What is this artifact? My first guess was a nuclear bomb. But
no, too obvious. Then erik guessed a submarine. But they already had
submarines. Then erik guessed a talking submarine. It turns out, it's actually
just a magical Nazi medallion. I guess in our reality Churchill hid the medallion from the
Germans and this is the only reason we won the war. You have to go back to fix history and
keep the Nazis from grabbing this artifact. And not because it caused them
to win World War 2, but because it's somehow messing up the weather. Meanwhile, the
future Germans are still using the time machine, but we are never told what they are doing
with it. One guess is that they're building an indestructable Hitler by combining
cavemen and robots. But again, I had to hear this from erik.
Click on images for large view
Sure the bars look solid,
but Jerry left a gap for you.
Nice puzzle, Mirage.
I wonder if I can find the golden key by unplugging my computer? Nope. But
now I don't have to find it, which is even better.
Shiny floor+bad game=bad game.
Maybe the Nazi flag is supposed to draw your attention away from the crates.
I knew this key was important because it was so giant.