furiously clicking on the UGO banner that promises to
teach me how to "make Tomb Raider take off her clothes", I
accidently tumbled down a hole and found myself at Gamers
Depot, a site belonging to our hated rivals, the stinky IGN network.
Before climbing back to the light, I took a quick look around and discovered an interview with Roberta
Williams. For those of you too young to remember, Roberta Williams is the woman who
invented human suffering. You know all the grief and horror that you see portrayed
on the Television and read about in the words that sometimes scroll across the bottom of
the Television? That was Roberta Williams. One key element of her thousand
year reign of terror is the manufacture and distribution of monstrous, awful computer
games such as King's Quest One, Two, Three, Four, Six, Seven, Eight and especially King's
Quest Five. Roberta Williams' career has taken a nosedive lately. Obviously,
the force behind this downturn is the benevolent hand of God. However, true to her
nickname - the Father of Lies - Mrs. Williams presents an alternate explanation:
Back when I got started, which sounds like ancient history, back
then the demographics of people who were into computer games, was totally different, in my
opinion, then they are today. Back then, computers were more expensive, which made them
more exclusive to people who were maybe at a certain income level, or education level. So
the people that played computer games 15 years ago were that type of person. They probably
didn't watch television as much, and the instant gratification era hadn't quite grown the
way it has lately. I think in the last 5 or 6 years, the demographics have really changed,
now this is my opinion, because computers are less expensive so more people can afford
them. More "average" people now feel they should own one.
First of all, I feel compelled to rebut her clearly in the rough
language of "average" people: Fuck you, you pompous fucking bitch.
To recap: Roberta Williams' failures are in no way her own fault, but are due to
the fact that you, dear reader, are an uncultured dimwit. This kind of reasoning is
symptomatic of clinical depression and a warning sign of potential suicide. Picture
me with fingers crossed. And blaming the mighty Television for what ails you is
meaningless psuedo-intellectual babytalk, the equivalent of easily influenced people of
"a certain income level, or education level" blindly repeating "You go girl!" and "Don't go
there!" It's an absurd, apocryphal notion she appropriated from some facile
hippy deconstruction of the world, circa 1983. Dumbass.
I'd like to give just one example of why I think her
products fail, other than the fact that you and I are so stupid. Each installment of
the King's Quest series is subtitled with a deeee-licious pun; a device whose
implementaion was old and smelly long before confetti shot out of Piers Anthony's light
fixtures because he managed to do it one million times. So here we go:
King's Quest 3: To Heir Is Human
King's Quest 6: Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow
I'm not making this up. Roberta Williams couldn't even be
bothered to think up a new pun by the time she dispiritedly exhaled the thin stream of
fart that was boxed and sold as King's Quest 6.
Roberta Williams again:
I've been taking Spanish lessons, which I think is famous now.
And that's like 3 hours a day, 5 days a week. I want to learn Spanish because we have a
house in Cabo San Lucas that hopefully we'll be able to spend a lot of time at
I'm going to let slide the whole part where she thinks her
interest in learning Spanish is "famous." Instead, I'm going to decode the
statement "I want to learn Spanish because we have a
house in Cabo San Lucas" What she's really saying
is that she needs to be able to more effectively berate the impoverished servants that
staff every American vacation home in Cabo San Lucas. Why is it that I am vilified
when I point out that John Romero is not Caucasian, yet Roberta Williams can boldly admit
to being a modern day plantation boss and holder of Mexican slaves and it passes without
comment. How would brown-and-proud political rock-rappers Rage Against The
Machine take Williams' colonialist and possibly criminal insensitivity? Not
well, I think. I imagine they'd bust a few dope rhymes right in her wrinkly, old
ass. Maybe more than a few, Roberta, you wrinkle ass.
I'm a simple man, uneducated and easily distracted. My winter home in Cabo San
Lucas is really just my summer home, a one bedroom apartment next to a tool and die
factory in Cleveland. It's people like me that are causing smart gamers of a certain
income and education level to abandon the hobby in droves, leaving no market for Roberta
Williams' cerebral product. I decided to visit a few King's Quest fan sites, the last bastion of hope
for this elite community, and immerse myself in the heady conversations and lively debates
taking place in the cafe society of their message boards and guest books. I
discovered that these privileged few are truly not like you and me. They're better,
smarter, faster. In the absence of endless hours spent slack-jawed in front of the
Television, they've had time to master the art of written expression. And having
mastered it, they feel free to gleefully, knowingly break all of its rules. Grammar,
punctuation, spelling; you name a convention (such as, when writing 'fuck', spell it
f-u-c-k) and they'll willfully transgress it. I found that one of their favorite
topics of conversation is just how much ass King's Quest and their own King's Quest
community kicks. A few examples from the sites:
"This site kicks ass!"
"Cool Site, Adventure Games Kick Ass!!"
"Anyone know where to get some kick ass pictures of KQ
" Hi IM RYAN KINGS QUEST
| | | @ @| | U | | ~~~~~~~~| ____________ | | "
"THIS KINGS QUEST PAGE KICK ANGUS. BUT I NEED HELP WITH
KINGS QUEST 7. "
"Ya YOUR SITE RULES!!! I found an Easter Egg in KQ3: Type in
"fart". A funny message will pop up! Try it! Go on, DO IT! NOW! Bye! "
""Hey this site kicks @$$."
Another common type of post - and I hesitate to trivialive the
work by employing such a sterile sounding word - adopts the difficult and confrontational
style used by famous street poet Charles Bukowski:
"You dumb twat, you profess to have beaten all of the damn
King's Quest games, and yet, yet you posted an erroneous solution to King's Quest I.
You're supposed to kill that fucking giant with the fucking slingshot not fucking play the
fucking fiddle you dumbshit! That fucker isn't tired!! AT ALL!!! cletus. you prick...
" I think that you website is preety good. To that person
who that kings quest games are crap. go fuck yourself you mother fucking cocksucker son of
a bitch shit eating asehole licking wanker "
" I'm no computer freak, I just can't get the last fukin
level of KQ7, so I had to see what i had to do. Thanx 4 your help :-) "
"The first parts of this page are good, meaning the King
Quest 1 - 4 but therest of it is out of data and shity. "
"That Jessica girl that is bellow, is an idiot because she
has a private message. She is so GAY. She is so cheapo that she poos in her backyard and
she uses leaves for toilet paper. She is so fat that when she puts on a yellow raincoat
people yell out taxi. "
"This site is so gay, it is gay, gay, gay. I can't believe
how gay this site is. THIS SITE SUCKS MY BUMHOLE. "
That last one really connects with me. All I can do is shake my head and say
"yeah," then wait a few seconds and say "yeah" again. Why can't
Quake players ever be this eloquent? I guess perhaps Bride Of Satan, Roberta
Williams, has a point. As a community, we need to read more. I've decided to
lead by example. Here is a summary of my current reading list:
This book is for "men who dare to dream the
impossible dream" like being a king on a quest or getting a handful of giant bosom.
A place for quiet contemplation: Naked
This book is from the world's wellspring of
Also from France